Forever Young

Betty White is hosting SNL right now and frankly she's killin' it! I want to be that funny when I'm 88 and 1/2. She looks great. She's sharp as a tack with an even sharper tongue. Everybody loves a foul mouth granny. But seriously how do you maintain your cool factor for so long? Jay Z dedicated a performance to her! The greatest rapper of our generation dedicated a song...to her?! Awesome.

Spooked

At what age are you supposed to stop being afraid of your basement? When I was little and I came back upstairs from the basement, I would often get spooked and end up running up the stairs trying to outrun whatever it was I could feel chasing me. This same phenomenon has overtaken me a handful of times even as an adult in my own home. I got spooked a little differently last night. When I came home Toby greeted me at the door. This should not have happened. This meant he had somehow escaped from his crate. And the ziploc bag of chocolate chip cookies was torn apart on the kitchen floor and empty. I was talking to Daniel on my cell while all of this was happening and he asked in response to the confusion, "Someone's not in the house are they?" I felt that same feeling as when in the basement and feeling the need to run up the steps to safety. I ran out of the house, jumped into my car, and drove away until Daniel came home a few minutes later. I left the doggies to fend for themselves against the axe murderer who had broken into our house. 10 minutes later I returned to the scene of the imagined crime. Daniel grabbed a knife and did a walk through of the house inspecting every room, closet, and the pantry. Don't worry the coast was clear. I don't know what made us think that just because Toby somehow escaped from his crate and gorged himself on cookies that there was an intruder, but it did. So I'll ask again...at what age does this illogical thinking end and one stops getting spooked by nothing?

The Christian Bubble

Life is leading me into experiences and relationships outside of the Young Life world. I've had a lot of friends and interactions with life outside of a christian bubble over the years, but as I leave full time ministry, the bubble is disappearing completely. Having conversations with people who aren't christian or spiritual or religious has given me a degree of social anxiety once it comes up that I work in full time ministry and they realize that I am a Christian. This anxiety stems from two fears: 1. That these people will view me as less intelligent because I have faith and 2. That these people will think all Christians believe the same.

For example because of different events we attend and social circles we run in, I interact with gay men on a regular basis. Whenever they ask what I do and I begin stuttering and choking on my words...high school...christian...outreach...ugh. I hesitate with the word christian because I instantly fear that in their heads they're thinking, "Oh boy, a Christian. Here's somebody who thinks I'm wrong. A sinner." And then the word outreach implying that not only am I christian, but evangelical as well, (read "Not only does she disagree with our lifestyle, but she's also going around evangelizing high school kids and warning them not to be gay.") Nothing could be farther from the truth, but I assume people think every Christian thinks and believes the same things. After apprehensively divulging that I am in fact a Christian and in the "business of evangelism" aka full time outreach ministry, I feel the need to then go out of my way to make a point of how much I love gay people and debunk any misconception they may have about what it is I actually believe and don't believe. I become a picture of social awkwardness and trying too hard. This is just one example.

Aside from my fear of people's misconceptions about my stance on social, political, and moral issues, is the fear of appearing unintelligent, naive, and even a little delusional. Some people view those with faith as such. But I guess this demonstrates the unfair assumptions I make about people who are atheists, agnostics, or just don't think about or care about faith issues. I suppose I'm assuming they all think me unintelligent simply because a few on their side of the issue view me as such. So though they may not be viewing me this way, this fear still causes social anxiety and leads me into more fumbling conversations of me covertly trying to prove myself as intelligent and justifying my faith. For example when sharing with people who are "outside the faith" (I am still looking for a term to describe someone who is not a Christian that is not offensive...again just another example of my social anxiety at work) that I am leaving my job, they ask why I'm leaving. And as I begin to answer, they attempt to finish my sentence by saying something like, "You just got burnt out on all the religion, you're just so over all that." Actually I'm not. I'm still very much "into the whole God thing", love church, love ministry, love high school kids. I try to explain how I will still participate in Young Life, just as a volunteer, not as a full time job. Then they try to say how organized ministry probably burned me out and well that would be wrong too. I loved Young Life staff. It's not perfect, but no job is. I'm not leaving bitter by any means. "Well then why exactly are you leaving? Something must be wrong." So I try to clarify and explain that I felt "called away", like God is leading me to something else. To a non-religious person this sounds either naive or delusional. "How do you know God is leading you?" I explain that I was praying about it and "got a sense" or "heard him telling me" it was time to leave. "So you can hear God? What does he sound like?" Oh brother. The thought of listening to God and actually hearing back does sound delusional to someone who hasn't experienced this, let alone made this a regular practice and based minor and major decisions off of such interactions.

I'm not ashamed of my faith at all. I don't think I'm unintelligent or naive because of the things I believe or delusional because of my faith in an unseen entity. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to talk about God or my belief that he loves me, and everyone else, and that that matters and is important and life-changing. But I do hesitate because I'm not sure how other people view Christians and if anything I want them to see that we're not all like the crazy extremist that more frequently represent us on TV and AM radio. I want them to see that Christians can be normal, rational, and more importantly loving, kind, compassionate people. So my anxiety is two-fold: first wanting them to see me for who I really am instead of making assumptions about me based on my faith and two wanting them to have an accurate picture of who I think God is and feeling responsible for communicating this to them.

As I enter the world outside of the christian bubble, I'm eager to get over my awkwardness in being a minority because of my faith.

Go Fighting Hornets!

I was sitting out on the deck trying to soak up some sun in order to combat the transparent whiteness of my legs as we enter full on shorts and skirts weather. However my lounging was interrupted by an uninvited intruder. I'm not sure if it was a hornet, wasp, yellowjacket, or other stinger-armed insect. I am not well versed in this area so can't distinguish between these different species. Nothing puts a damper on a care free sit in the sun than the threat of a sting, knowing at any moment if I take my eye off this flying attacker I could fall prey to its stealth assault.

I don't have an irrational fear of bees, but I do have a healthy respect for the damage they can inflict. So before you go dismissing my fear of this tiny creature as excessive, ponder the pain of the puncture and the subsequent swelling. I pondered this myself and as I observed my opponent I realized what an excellent mascot a hornet is. In the past I've dismissed hornet mascots as silly and cartoon-y. How are they supposed to stand against lions, tigers, and bears (oh my!)? But how often do you encounter a lion or tiger outside of a cage? Sure bears actually exist outside of captivity in the wild frontier of the US. But unless you live in remote expanses in the mountains, the likelihood of running into one is rare. But hornets! I saw two just today. The fear of lions or tigers doesn't interrupt daily activities like sunbathing or yard work. Hornets' strength lies in their pervasiveness of our suburban landscape. They are everywhere. I normally viewed their size as a disadvantage in the mascot world, but it actually adds to their terror. They are hard to see from afar, hard to track, hard to hear. Their size makes them stealthy and sneaky.

So I've been proved wrong North Kansas City High School, Charlotte (now New Orleans), and any other hornet mascoted teams. Teams can keep their tigers; the hornet is the more intimidating adversary.

I think I've had this guy all wrong. Look at what a do-gooder he is helping out his community.

No Resolution

Last night Daniel and I were casually watching this story on ESPN about the Haitian girls under 17 soccer team. We were just lounging on the couch in the comfort of our living room. I was eating taco salad.

The story follows the team after the earthquake profiling what and who individual girls lost in the disaster: homes, food, family... their coach. But they kept playing and competed in the under 17 world cup. This isn't a Mighty Ducks type story though or one of those bio-pic movies recreating an underdog teams rise to victory after overcoming impossible odds. The adversity these girls face is simple to impossible to rise above. Even if they had won their games it may have boosted morale for a brief period of time, but doesn't change the lives they return home to. A few girls are shown in some of the tent cities after becoming homeless. One girl inparticular was orphaned by the earthquake. She lives in one of the hundreds of thousands of tents that are just a few steps below the slum home she lost in the quake. She lives there alone. She is just a kid and she has no one to take care of her. They're all gone...dead.

When the piece was finished I looked at Daniel and asked what we could do. He said there's not much we can do. The poverty of this country was insurmountable well before the earthquake. ESPN interviewed the journalist who documented the story of these girls. She soundly just as helpless and defeated as we felt watching it. She talked about how after most stories there was some sort of resolution, optimism, or hope. But after leaving Haiti and this team of girls she had no answer for what could or should be done. Not every story has a happy ending or can be tied up with a pretty pink ribbon. Sometimes things are just bad and sad and they don't get any better.

There was one portion of the story that was simply beautiful despite the lack of full redemption in the greater story. Their first game in the tournament was against the US. The lost by a lot and after the game the keeper laid on the field unmoving. Her coach walked out to her defeated shell to escort her off the field and back to her team. The white skinned, pretty blonde and brunette girls from the US team met her before she could reach the sideline. They opened their arms and embraced her. The Haitian goalie collapsed into their huddle and rested her head on one girl's shoulder. And they cried together. One US girl is shown weeping after leaving the scene. Daniel looked over at me and said he couldn't help but cry at the sight. As I often take my emotional cues from him, this admittance gave me permission to release the tears I had felt the need to keep at bay. So I cried too, right there into my taco salad. It was so sad. But it was also so beautiful. A shared moment of compassion and grieving between affluent American girls who like most of us cannot fathom extreme poverty and loss and this Haitian girl who will go back to a tent, motherless, hungry, and alone.

This moment didn't fix anything. Their shared tears and embraces didn't change the situation or the life she'll return too. But it was still real. It was still worth it. There may not have been any practical result or productivity from the moment. But the element of redemption was still present. It was a glimpse into the restoration that God intends for all of creation. Though his intentions will take place on an infinite level, I think he is at work in the finite, temporary, small, and quiet moments too. No these moments won't change the world, but that doesn't deem them as devoid of any value. You cannot rob a moment of its beauty just because there's nothing to show for it after its passing. I'm sorry there's no resolution for this post. I'm really sorry there's no resolution for Haiti and its people. God's ways are not my ways and this event and my confusion over it just further proves this point.

Googling Cancer

"Where your treasure is, there your heart is also." We can look to our checkbooks to see what's important in our lives. Where we spend our money can be indicative of what we value. We can see this by examining what and whom we invest in. I think the same idea can be applied to our search history. What and whom we google can be indicative of what is happening in our lives.

Google is such a dominant presence that we rarely even say "search" anymore, rather we use google as a verb. Grandmas say google. People foreign to the world of computers may not know what a search engine is but they somehow know what googling something means. Google is cute, colorful, quirky, clever. It is also the gateway to a plethora of knowledge and so though it may be cute and clever, when searching for information on tragic circumstances, it creates odd pairings such as "googling cancer".

What did you google today? I googled "tissue paper flowers" and "tissue paper pom pom tutorial". You know what my friend's mom googled last week? You got it! Cancer. We talked on the phone tonight and I sadly welcomed her to the "F*#@%ing Cancer Club". This is one of the worst clubs to belong to though its members are some of the most wonderful people.What other club exists that has such beautiful people making up its ranks but such sucky benefits? No one wants to be invited into this club. We despise our membership and reluctantly wear our ID badges reminding us of our forced participation in all the club's crummy activities. We seriously need a new social director because our calendar of extracurricular activities is comprised of chemo, radiation, surgery, and grief counseling. How come I can't find the times and locations for shuffleboard, arts & crafts, and bingo?

How come I have to welcome someone else into our ranks? Why does somebody else, another family full of good, nice, well meaning people, have to receive the news that they're the newest members? Why is there someone else out there now just trying to rewind back to the days before the diagnosis? Back when things were normal, even boring at times. Oh God I pray for the boring times to return, where life and death and hair loss and surgery aren't everyday topics of conversation. I pray for google searches of stupid, petty, and boring things. I never asked to be invited into this club, but me and my family are all accounted for at each membership meeting. I love the people here though. This group is strong and humble. War weary, but still standing. And you know what? Though reluctant WE wear our ID badges, they don't wear us. And you know what else? After the shock subsided and we stopped telling ourselves that, "No. Cancer isn't something that happens to people like us", we kept living. We are different and living in a new normal, but still very much living. And yes our google searches returned to the mundane. "Brain tumor" and "St. Judes" have been replaced by "tissue paper flowers" and other dumb, everyday-ness. There is still life in the midst of cancer. Our lives are composed of the whole range of experience: the good, the bad, the boring and the tragic. Just check my search history. You'll see; it's all there.

Play the Hits

Here's the rest of the pics from our karaoke adventure last night. Drew went first with his only delay being finding the perfect song. A brave soul indeed but not to be outdone by his first reluctant wife, but later karaoke diva, Lindsey. He sang Red Hot Chili Peppers Snow (Hey Oh). She sang Cheap Trick's I Want You to Want Me. Daniel led the bar in a sing along to Don't Stop Believin'. He and I dueted to Summer Nights from Grease and Joel brought us home with his rendition of Grundy County Auction.