I just wrote for an hour and when I clicked "publish post" something strange happened and there was no post. There's an unpublished draft of the post that contains two sentences before the autosave feature became disabled somehow. It was a difficult post to write and ended with me apologizing for how confusing and nonsensical it may have been (what else is new with my posts as of late though). At the end I felt more clear about the issue though and I suppose that's all that matters. I think this is a sign I need to stop using this blog as my online journal as I've been spilling my guts in very non-articulate posts lately. So instead of rewriting the post (even if that were possible) I am simply going to re-post one of my very favorite pictures from this year.
I love my husband and I loved sharing my first karaoke experience on stage with him. We make a pretty good team. I have a few pictures that capture him laughing at me. I love these pictures because I love the rare occassions when I'm able to make him laugh. Life is good.
Please don't judge me but I'm about to make a slightly embarrassing confession. Katy Perry has a single out right now called "Firework". Perhaps you've heard it. I find it incredibly inspirational. Yes this comes from the same woman who had her break out hit with "I Kissed a Girl". I like Top 40 and a good dance beat behind anything is great. So circa 2004, I'm going to go all xanga on ya and post song lyrics. The high schooler in me is feeling so profound right now. But seriously I wanted to share the lyrics as they really do articulate how I'm feeling. Now just picture me in my car singing along and believing in myself again.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep? Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing Do you know that there's still a chance for you 'Cause there's a spark in you?
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby, you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go, oh As you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a firework Come on, let your colors burst Make 'em go, oh You're gonna leave 'em falling down
You don't have to feel like a waste of space You're original, cannot be replaced If you only knew what the future holds After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow And when it's time, you'll know
It's always been inside of you, you, you And now it's time to let it through
I had yet another interview this past Friday which means I've had interviews almost every other Friday for the past month. Interviewing at a school on a Friday causes one unavoidable awkwardness: being necessarily overdressed. Fridays at schools are typically "casual Friday" and not business casual, but like "spirit-wear" casual (you know where you wear your favorite sweatshirt or track jacket with your school's name embroidered on the chest). Though I know "spirit-wear" Friday is upon me, I certainly can't show up not wearing a typical interview ensemble. So there I sit in my neatly pressed duds across from lovely administrators donned in denim and fleece smiling politely and pretending like I don't feel awkward at all.
Judging from the title of this post I'm assuming you've figured out by now that I didn't get the job. But I have to tell you this was one of the most encouraging experiences I've had in the past few months. Thanks to an inside tip from one of my references, I found out I was in the final 3 under consideration. After hearing that I told a lot of people that honestly even if I didn't get the job that I just really needed to hear that. After each interview I have no idea of how I did other than obviously not well enough to land the job. Which in my Debbie Downer little mind starts to assume that I did terribly, which now I'm realizing may not be the case.
I got the "no" call yesterday and hung up feeling better about myself than I did when I started the call. It was a 3-5 minute conversation praising me and my attributes and explaining why I didn't get the job. I hadn't ever had a why accompanying these other rejections and it was incredibly comforting information. The reality is that I was the only external candidate they interviewed and there were multiple internal candidates who were already doing the job I was interviewing for. With it being mid-school year they opted to go with someone who wouldn't require the training that I would. He even mentioned that I should stick with it if this is something I really want to do because if it were summer time they would have really considered me for the position. And then in a stroke of divine intervention he said multiple things that were really encouraging and answered some of the lingering questions that always seem haunt me after a rejection. He said everyone on the interview team was really impressed with me, that I didn't do anything wrong, that they wanted to keep my resume on file if anything opened up, that my references had glowing remarks and the kindest things to say about me. Though I was okay with not getting the job, the rejection phone call made me want to work there.
There was some relief in not getting the job. I would have needed to be there at 6:30am which meant with the commute and getting ready, I would have needed to wake up at 5:00 everyday. That would have meant a radical lifestyle change. The good news is I am pursuing another job that I am really excited about and is closer to the creative world and the work I hope to be doing in the long term. Be praying. I feel like I am very close to settling into my future.
I also really need to thank my two references Drew and Tom. I have applied for numerous jobs since July and have used Drew and Tom over and over again. If anyone has shared in the grueling process of finding a job with me it would be these two. They've answered phone calls, filled out surveys, and spoken my praises enthusiastically with each opportunity. I texted Drew the other day that I hoped to just settle in a job already to spare him the monotony of being my reference. So thank you so much for being my advocates!
I hate that I haven't finished strong in this the 4th quarter of this year long project. I just can't seem to muster up the desire to post each day. And yes as much as I've overcome perfectionism, irregular posting still bothers me. Maybe I'm just in a Debbie Downer mood. Today was a rough day and not because anything particularly difficult occurred. I felt like my old sick self. It felt/feels more like an episode or attack as opposed to just an undercurrent of anxiety though. It really caught me off guard. I still am not sure what I'm feeling anxious about. I sat and prayed and journaled to try and confront what was/is behind all of my tension and irritability. I can't put my finger on anything specifically. Maybe it's just a culmination of a bunch of little things. Maybe I just hit a wall in the midst of this ongoing season of uncertainty. I think the reason I'm documenting my feelings today is just to see that it's 12 months since I started this thing and bad days still come and go. There have been many fewer bad days than there used to be, but like many struggles, anxiety may be something that for me is managed as opposed to eradicated completely. Here's to a new day tomorrow.
For the entire year of 2010 I took on the challenge to break my perfectionism and conquer my fear of mediocrity. I shared the experience through daily blog posts. I'm still living imperfectly and writing about it here.
