Chickening Out

So if you follow Donald Miller you know that he is sponsoring a contest to win a trip to Portland and attend his conference on his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. The contest consists of writing on your blog about how you are going to live a better story. It makes sense if you've read the book. It's a great contest for many reasons all of which I am too tired to write about now. The contest expires at midnight tonight and I am officially chickening out.

In my draft folder is the first two paragraphs of what my entry would be if I had decided to complete it and participate. I am a pretty open and honest person, but as I began talking about what all this last year has consisted of and how I would like to move forward both in spite of and because of these circumstances, I just couldn't continue. Some topics deserve an amount of discretion. Once I'm a little more removed from them after a year or two I may be ready to write on them, but I'm not there yet. And the hard part in writing the entry was describing what kind of story I do want to live in. That's a hard question. I know what I want to feel like, but I'm still not sure by what means to get there or what exactly I want to do.

After a job interview last night and today and another one in the books for the first week of September, my future is starting to take shape, but not quite. I do believe God has a plan; it just may not include a salaried job at this moment in time. I think he's going to provide work during this period, but he's also going to help me work through some identity issues and self discovery. I think I'm hoping to learn to gain my identity from who I am and my relationships as opposed to simply what I do, what job I have, and how well I can perform. He knows what he's doing. His time line is perfect. I'll get there soon enough.

So I'm a chicken. But I'll get there. And someday I'm sure I'll write about this period of life much differently than I am writing about it now.

An Open Window?

Yes I'm aware that my last post title had a question mark as well, but seeing as how these past few months could be summarized by a single punctuation mark, I think it's pretty apropos that my post titles reflect that sentiment. I am also aware that I missed a post last night. That was intentional. I never want blogging to interfere with my real life relationships and long story short, posting last night would have been in bad taste. Don't ask.

I have a few promising leads on some smaller scale jobs, but it's something! I'll update once everything shakes out and let you know if anything works out. The saying may really be true that, "When God closes a door he opens a window." I've hit about 35 closed doors, but he may be opening some smaller windows and at this point I'll take a window!

My mom cracks me up because she commented tonight that the longer I go without a job the more "religious" I get in my posts. She made the point that I can pray a lot, but sometimes the answer is going to be "no". She's right and I know this all too well. But I don't think I've been asking for specific jobs thereby giving him a chance to say yes or no. Rather I've been asking for what I am supposed to do. I don't think he's telling me "no" completely in the arena of event/wedding planning, but his timeline is certainly much slower than what I was expecting or hoping for. So I think my new prayer/line of questioning is when and what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

Just as in all adversity, life goes on. Though it may not feel like it, there are other elements to my life than just a career. Tonight my family celebrated my dad's birthday. We ate, laughed, and played. My niece and I had a semi-crash while riding my dad's electric scooter he uses because of his MS. My poor wedges carry scars from the event, but it was still pretty hilarious. We picked up my brother from the airport. He's in town from Chicago for the weekend for a wedding. A good night indeed.

Future?

I'm having to remind myself of Jeremiah 29:11 tonight:

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." (The Message)

Does that give you any indication as to how the job search is going?

Is It Bad?

I walked in the house tonight and Daniel informed me that I should be upset with the dogs because they had been bad. The victim: his cottage cheese. The crime: consumption by non-humans.

Is it bad if your dogs eat that much dairy? Are they going to die tonight (or at least vomit all over our bed at like 3 am)?

College

This weekend a lot of our YL grads headed off for their freshmen year of college. As Daniel and I shared coffee and lunches with each of them over the past two weeks as a final farewell, I couldn't help but recount story after story of my initial impressions of college life and the years I spent at Mizzou. Now 6 years removed from school, I look back on those years with nothing but fondness. I've forgotten all the negatives. (I literally cannot remember what I would have disliked. Even the thought of class doesn't seem so bad, but I remember that I HATED going to class; I just can't remember why anymore.) I thought initially of moving into the dorm and the feelings I had as a freshman: the newness, the fear mixed with excitement, the independence, the optimism.

My freshman year seems to stand apart from the rest of my college experience. It seems so separate from my remaining 3 years spent at 8A Clarkson, my duplex home with a myriad of roommates over the years. When I think of college, it's the Clarkson years that come to mind. Ahh memories. The people, the silliness, the fun, the fast food, the late nights, the adventures, the boy next door who became my husband. I'm so glad I was able to share college with my future husband. It makes reliving all the old stories much more fun as we're able to share them because he was there right along with me through it all.

Having coffee with Maddie one of my YL girls made me super nostalgic and I found myself wishing I could go back and do it all again. I had the sentiment that if I knew then what I know now, I would have done it so much better. But it was the experience of those years that helped shape me into the person I am now. Without those circumstances I never would have gained what I know now. So if I apply the logic to my present reality, what will I say 6 years from now that "if I knew then what I know now"? That's the tricky part. I can't apply future wisdom to my current circumstances. It's the things I'm facing now that will help mold me into the person I am becoming. But what I wouldn't give for a little 34 year old, 6 years worth of wisdom to help get me through this present unknown.