Susan Sarandon was being interviewed on Oprah and she shared an interesting comment about making mistakes. She said something about enjoying or cherishing your mistakes because it's how you learn who you are AND who you are not. The second half of that is pretty insightful. I think a large part of my journey of self discovery (and I won't speak for others but...perhaps all of our journeys) is not just figuring out who we are but who we are not. Recently I've been discovering a lot about who I am not. Project 365 taught me that I am not a photographer. And that is okay!
A piece of my perfectionism was/is wanting to be good at everything. That kind of expectation on myself just sets me up for continual disappointment. I walk away from many situations feeling discouraged because they just make me more aware of my inadequacies, shortcomings, and lack of gifting in a particular area. After some therapy I must tell you that this phenomenon comes not from critical "Tiger Mom" parents (actually they were nothing but excited and impressed by my different achievements) rather it comes from being an overachiever at a young age. In school I was not only good at a lot of different things, but at some things I was the best. I won't list off my accomplishments here as proof, but let's just say that I always performed well at the competitions and places of recognition that exist in grade school and middle school. I have a friend Joel who won the title of "Best Boy" at his high school. We didn't have that award at my elementary school or middle school, but it's a good description of the types of awards I won. The equivalent of the "Best Girl" award for our 8th grade class was the Principal's Award. I won that along with the prize of $100 (though I don't think we were supposed to tell anyone because they might get jealous so I kept my prepubescent mouth shut).
High school gave me my first taste of the real world and the reality that I could no longer be the best at everything. As a result I just became more specialized. I decided on the things that were important to me and worked really hard at achieving in those areas and gaining status (and thus self esteem). College operated in the same way and Young Life became my "specialty". For the first six years after college I remained inside a career where I felt competent. But now here I am outside of my comfort zone, outside of my competencies and expertise, and my self esteem has gone in the crapper.
I feel like I'm starting over. I'm left having to figure out who I am and what I'm good at. Unfortunately Susan Sarandon was right about mistakes showing us who we are not. That's exactly where I'm at: trying stuff out, making mistakes, and figuring out "I guess I'm actually not so great at ____. I probably shouldn't pursue that as a career." Is this called "learning the hard way" or "trial and error"? These may be effective methods of self-discovery, but they sure do assault one's self esteem and require a lot of patience as well. I feel stuck in a season of life that consists of a lot of failure in order to narrow down my potential career paths when I wish God would just send me a quick email letting me know what to do without having to go through all this uncertainty.
I have a friend who left Young Life at the same time I did. Not only did he have a new job lined up before he left, but it's a career, and he likes it. What's up with that? He's actually one of my references on my resume and has participated in my job search (that still feels a little ongoing). I wonder sometimes if he thinks it's weird that I still seem a little clueless about my future while he has settled nicely into his already. But I am fully aware that God has us on very different journeys. God feels the need to orchestrate my circumstances in this manner because he know I need the process. There are some things very essential about this season that are serving as preparation for what is next. I will not be ready for the season after this without the lessons and growth I am undergoing right now. (At least I hope so.)
So back to Project 365...It's not fun for me. It's not life giving. I quit. Here are some of the last pictures I took before officially throwing in the towel though.
Audrey and Oscar: I love a fellow dog lover.
Penny stranded in her 1'x1' square during the blizzard.
Celebrating dear Jessie's 30th birthday at Skate City of course. I love my friends because they don't stop being fun just because "we are too old for that".
Kendall rocking the stache at Jessie's birthday dinner. She looks so dignified.
