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On the day of a party have you ever tried to reassure yourself with this phrase, “Well even if only 3 people come, we’ll still have fun”? If so then you may suffer from Pre-Party Anxiety. PPA is characterized by a general fear that no one will show up to a party you are hosting.
Today is Daniel’s birthday party and sure enough I’ve got a case of PPA. But I think I’m justified in my anxiety seeing as how I’ve suffered a childhood trauma that only validates this fear.
The date was September 1989. Our family had just moved from Iowa to Kansas City that summer so I was “the new kid”. School had only been in session for a few weeks, which wasn’t a ton of time to make new friends. I was turning 8 and wanted a birthday party. I was bolder back then. The trauma that ensued may be the reason I am less so now. I passed out invitations to some of the young ladies in my class and eagerly awaited the fated day. I must mention the invites came sans RSVP (a mistake I would later come to regret). The afternoon of the party arrived and our doorbell never rang. Well that’s not exactly true…it rang once. One hour after the start time my fellow second grader Dulaney arrived as my solitary guest. She gave me a deluxe Crayola crayon set in a hard plastic carrying case with built in sharpener. A fine gift. An even finer guest. (I still know Dulaney and around my 28th birthday this past fall I thanked her via facebook for coming to my party that day. I just realized 20 years have passed…my goodness.) I don’t remember if we played or ate or stared at each other. Clearly I have repressed these memories as a coping mechanism.
These days when I express my PPA to others and they try to reassure me, I always remind them that my worst fear actually can and has come true. Hopefully this embarrassing story of mine has awoken you to the reality of party failure. Please respect other’s PPA related fear. But even more so be grateful for all the guests you’ve entertained over the years. Be grateful for the Dulaneys…I know I am.
PS- Even if no one does show up today, at least the invites look good.
In Webster’s perfectionism is defined as “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable”. It’s actually more of a psychological term as perfectionist thinking is at the root of much mental and emotional dysfunction. One of my pet peeves is when people list perfectionism as one of their weaknesses in a job interview. When someone tells an interviewer, “I’m a total perfectionist” what they’re actually doing is spinning their ‘weakness’ to highlight their work ethic.
This cute quirk is not what I’m talking about.
I’m describing the belief that I can and should be perfect and therefore whenever my performance falls short of that impossible standard I feel defeated and depressed. A lot of real perfectionists actually are not anal, organized high performers, but like myself live chaotic, messy lives of procrastination. I avoid, avoid, avoid as the fear of failure and inadequacy cripples me with anxiety.
I struggle to get out of bed on a daily basis. When I was thinking of titles for this blog one of my initial thoughts was “The get out of bed everyday project”…catchy. But that really is the simple purpose of this blog. The daily goal forces me to post something everyday regardless of preparation or polish. The public forum of a blog is essential in two ways: accountability to post daily and exposing myself to others as less than perfect.
I’m excited and sick to my stomach at the same time. Every perfectionist nerve in my body is screaming, “Don’t do it! This is gonna be crap! There are so many other people out there who are smarter, wittier, and more talented. You can’t just put yourself out there in all your mediocrity.” I’m allowing myself to create and try new things. I’m giving myself permission for the first time in maybe my whole life to live imperfectly. With some bravery, honesty, humor, friendly support, and of course a little medication, I am hopeful that this blog can be a very powerful and freeing experience. So away we go…
PS- You have no idea how many times I edited my profile description trying to get it just right. Ugh. It is day one after all.
