The Christian Bubble

Life is leading me into experiences and relationships outside of the Young Life world. I've had a lot of friends and interactions with life outside of a christian bubble over the years, but as I leave full time ministry, the bubble is disappearing completely. Having conversations with people who aren't christian or spiritual or religious has given me a degree of social anxiety once it comes up that I work in full time ministry and they realize that I am a Christian. This anxiety stems from two fears: 1. That these people will view me as less intelligent because I have faith and 2. That these people will think all Christians believe the same.

For example because of different events we attend and social circles we run in, I interact with gay men on a regular basis. Whenever they ask what I do and I begin stuttering and choking on my words...high school...christian...outreach...ugh. I hesitate with the word christian because I instantly fear that in their heads they're thinking, "Oh boy, a Christian. Here's somebody who thinks I'm wrong. A sinner." And then the word outreach implying that not only am I christian, but evangelical as well, (read "Not only does she disagree with our lifestyle, but she's also going around evangelizing high school kids and warning them not to be gay.") Nothing could be farther from the truth, but I assume people think every Christian thinks and believes the same things. After apprehensively divulging that I am in fact a Christian and in the "business of evangelism" aka full time outreach ministry, I feel the need to then go out of my way to make a point of how much I love gay people and debunk any misconception they may have about what it is I actually believe and don't believe. I become a picture of social awkwardness and trying too hard. This is just one example.

Aside from my fear of people's misconceptions about my stance on social, political, and moral issues, is the fear of appearing unintelligent, naive, and even a little delusional. Some people view those with faith as such. But I guess this demonstrates the unfair assumptions I make about people who are atheists, agnostics, or just don't think about or care about faith issues. I suppose I'm assuming they all think me unintelligent simply because a few on their side of the issue view me as such. So though they may not be viewing me this way, this fear still causes social anxiety and leads me into more fumbling conversations of me covertly trying to prove myself as intelligent and justifying my faith. For example when sharing with people who are "outside the faith" (I am still looking for a term to describe someone who is not a Christian that is not offensive...again just another example of my social anxiety at work) that I am leaving my job, they ask why I'm leaving. And as I begin to answer, they attempt to finish my sentence by saying something like, "You just got burnt out on all the religion, you're just so over all that." Actually I'm not. I'm still very much "into the whole God thing", love church, love ministry, love high school kids. I try to explain how I will still participate in Young Life, just as a volunteer, not as a full time job. Then they try to say how organized ministry probably burned me out and well that would be wrong too. I loved Young Life staff. It's not perfect, but no job is. I'm not leaving bitter by any means. "Well then why exactly are you leaving? Something must be wrong." So I try to clarify and explain that I felt "called away", like God is leading me to something else. To a non-religious person this sounds either naive or delusional. "How do you know God is leading you?" I explain that I was praying about it and "got a sense" or "heard him telling me" it was time to leave. "So you can hear God? What does he sound like?" Oh brother. The thought of listening to God and actually hearing back does sound delusional to someone who hasn't experienced this, let alone made this a regular practice and based minor and major decisions off of such interactions.

I'm not ashamed of my faith at all. I don't think I'm unintelligent or naive because of the things I believe or delusional because of my faith in an unseen entity. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to talk about God or my belief that he loves me, and everyone else, and that that matters and is important and life-changing. But I do hesitate because I'm not sure how other people view Christians and if anything I want them to see that we're not all like the crazy extremist that more frequently represent us on TV and AM radio. I want them to see that Christians can be normal, rational, and more importantly loving, kind, compassionate people. So my anxiety is two-fold: first wanting them to see me for who I really am instead of making assumptions about me based on my faith and two wanting them to have an accurate picture of who I think God is and feeling responsible for communicating this to them.

As I enter the world outside of the christian bubble, I'm eager to get over my awkwardness in being a minority because of my faith.