Just when I thought I was "over" anxiety, it reared its little head today. With all the excitement of two new jobs and a renewed sense of purpose and place in this world, I was gaining speed and distance from my low serotonin levels. Today I had the day off and it's like my idleness enabled it to catch up to me. I had been feeling pretty stable lately. That doesn't mean things have been easy or that all my relationships have been peaceful. But I was feeling like I was able to approach adversity like a normal person where difficulties don't send me on a rollercoaster of emotion.
I'm not sure what triggered my "woe is me" attitude today, but it felt like everything was irritating me. Suddenly I was noticing every pile of junk/clutter that has accumulated around the house, every cob web in the corner of the ceiling, and the layers of dust blanketing every surface. Extreme irritability is one of the primary signals that I'm feeling anxious. I wasn't able to make the connection between irritability and anxiety until my counselor mentioned it. I literally thought the dirty dishes or Daniel's quirky habits were what were actually causing me strife. The truth is anything and everything can irk me. Sometimes it's just easier to blame Toby or Penny for being "bad" dogs than for me to take responsibility for cleaning up after them and beyond that being a responsible owner and housebreaking them in the first place. The house being in disrepair and the dogs making a mess in the house is no one's fault but mine. This is part of being an adult (something my anxiety wants me to reject).
So today wasn't such a great day. Actually at least I can be proud that instead of running from things that overwhelm me, I attacked them. I cleaned up a bag's worth of trash from our bedroom, another bag's worth of clothes to donate, and now you can actually see the surface of our nightstands and the carpet underneath our bed. Take that anxiety!
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