What's the Worst That Could Happen?

One of the best ways to describe generalized anxiety disorder is simply being afraid of anything and everything. When I'm in the midst of really struggling with it, my thought process revolves around what could go wrong, how I could fail, and how others will judge me. It's kind of like being the opposite of a free spirit, though I can't really say for sure seeing as how I have no idea what it's like to be free spirited. In one of my very first counseling visits I was on a rant describing the pressure I felt, the many people counting on me, and the list of "what ifs" that continually run through my mind. She posed the question, "What's the worst that could happen?" I listed some possible outcomes specific to that situation. She validated my fear but then asked, "Is anybody going to die?" I laughed and responded, "Of course not" thinking what a silly question that was. "Well if no one is going to die, then what's the big deal?"

She continued on speaking like a true sage. She always wrote out thoughts during our sessions and I still have all her notes. I pulled them out just now to make sure I was remembering this gem accurately. She said to focus on what I can control and then proceeded to deliver the list of the only three things in life that one can control: 1. Our own behavior 2. Very small house pets and 3. Children under the age of 2 (before they learn how to say "no").

I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now at work. Fall and Spring are crazy seasons in Young Life and this year's insanity is only amplified by my transition off staff and trying to finish strong. Daniel has spent the last few weeks talking me off the ledge when consumed by anxiety. I've been clinging to my counselor's words during these sessions of either freaking out or melting down, "What's the worst that could happen?" The answer is complete failure, but not death, and nothing we couldn't recover from.

You would think after what my family has been through this past year with Hannah's cancer, where yes in this case the worst that could happen is somebody dying, that everything would be put in perspective. We've made it this far and are still making it one day at a time in the presence of fear and uncertainty. We're looking straight into the face of the scariest of circumstances and are still standing. We're still here. There's this notion of don't sweat the small stuff and you realize what's really important in the midst of earth shattering experiences like childhood cancer. This happened to some degree for all of us involved, but at the same time life still goes on. I still worry about work and other dumb, unimportant, trivial, petty stuff. I wish I could say this weren't the case.

I made this little graphic today to remind me of one this new mantra. I need to have it made into a poster so I can look at it each morning. It's a reminder not just for work related fear, but for life related fear. Why not? (I think that will probably be my next mantra.)