I was reading through my journal today and the first entry was from December 2009 P.B. (Pre-Blog Era). At that point I was still thinking through whether or not to begin blogging for a year or not. I had a very strong desire to start but was feeling really insecure about it. I had been exploring other blogs, some with readerships of over 1,000 and some much smaller ones written by friends and friends of friends. I was (and still am to a degree) really intimidated by the quality and success of other people's sites. I wasn't looking for a huge audience or blogging fame and fortune, but felt inadequate to be able to post anything worthwhile. Reading this you would think I'm terribly insecure and have low self-esteem. Either this is true or I am actually arrogant instead. You see as recorded in my journal, my biggest blogging fear was not that of failing but of mediocrity.
In my mind I have these grand ideas of who I am. I may not be super accomplished but I was always telling myself that I would probably be good at everything but I just haven't tried yet. I've always had issues with the mantra, "Tis better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all." Actually if I never tried and then subsequently failed, I could still maintain feelings of self-importance. As long as I avoided the task, there was always the possibility that I could be good at it. No one could say that I'm not talented at said task. Trying and failing would only give them a list of things that I cannot claim as talents.
Attempting to maintain my self imposed status up on my pedestal has meant avoiding a lot of opportunities over the years, especially ones where there was a high risk of failure. But this has backfired terribly. I may still be standing tall and proud on my pedestal, but I'm bored...and lonely. And guess what? No one else sees me up there; it's all been my own self-preservation. Over these past three months I have come a long way in overcoming my fear of failure. The evidence was right there in my old journal entries I read today. But my next and maybe bigger battle is that against the fear of mediocrity. Failure is kind of funny. Me playing basketball, me cooking, me being organized...those are funny pictures. Just as you can be known by your successes, you can be known by your failures. "Oh Hattie is hilarious when trying to play basketball." "Oh Hattie is always forgetting things and buried under a pile of papers." But what about when you don't all-out fail; instead you're just kind of okay at something. Average. I fear being an amateur trying to have a legitimate career doing something creative, but always falling just a little short of creative.
In Young Life I'm a pro. Since becoming a leader in college, I was always good at it. I feel comfortable in the stands at games conversing with kids. I am like an expert on high school. Over the years I've taught classes (literally) on how to hang out with kids. And now I'm leaving all that and entering the work force made up of people beyond the ages of 14-18. I'm not an expert at anything out here. I'm not afraid to try out new jobs only to find out I suck at them and then move on. But I don't want to find myself in a job that is good...not great. Where I'm doing enough to keep my job, but not really doing anything that life giving.
It's certainly time for me to come down from my pedestal and explore life in the places where I'm not the expert. But I'm terrified of drowning in a sea of mediocrity.
No comments:
Post a Comment