I Know You Don't Like Me

The imperfection of this blog is really starting to bug me. This is good. I felt pretty good about January's posts; I still had lots of new ideas to write about and things to share. I felt proud of what I was putting out there. But the whole point of this project is to force myself to create and expose myself even when I don't have something clever or poignant to share. Experience above the posts themselves is my priority. The second month is when a project like this really starts to accomplish what I intended. Here I am beginning a post without a planned topic or idea. I'm posting past my deadline for the day (for the second night in a row). What's really funny about this is that my first instinct is to lie since the blogger time is messed up or make a joke as I do many times to cover my errors like telling myself, "I'll be clever and tell everyone that I'm just pretending that since I'm out of town that I'll pretend I thought it was a different time zone just to make myself feel better." No, instead of lying or being clever with myself, I'll just accept that I didn't post today on time. I'm still doing it so why does it matter if it's late? And what would it matter if I just didn't do it at all? I'm imperfect and it's not the end of the world. So hello February. You are already full of tardiness, rambling posts, no cute and fun pictures, and plenty of misspellings (as I like to make up versions of real words that I didn't know weren't actually words until blogger highlighted them as misspellings). I think you and me are going to get along just fine.

In the spirit of messiness, I would like to continue writing tonight though the topic has nothing to do with the comments above. I just want to get it off my chest as it was brought up during a two hour conversation I just had with an old friend and don't feel like saving it for tomorrow's entry.

I have someone in my life who really doesn't like me. (I am sure there are multiple people who dislike me, but let's focus on just one tonight.) From here on instead of using correct grammar indicating the singular he or she, I'm going to use 'they' for the sake of keeping it gender neutral. This way if you are reading this and you think it might be you I'm talking about, I can leave it open to male or female readers. Ha! Wondering if it's you are you? Anyway...our relationship is not optional and I actually care for this person. I'm not saying I've never felt really angry or bitter towards said nemesis, but at the end of the day I really do like them. (That grammar is offensive even to me, but I must continue.) We play this passive aggressive game of talking politely to one another face to face while bad mouthing and name calling behind backs. I really just want to say, "Look, let's cut the crap. You don't like me. You know it. I know it. So let's stop pretending. Let's just get it out there. Some days you even hate me. It's okay. I'll survive. It's not the end of the world. You know what? There are days where I don't care for you either. It's probably only because I'm sad you don't like me though." How good would that feel to just give someone permission to dislike me out in the open. I can imagine the freedom we would have in conversations and problem solving in tasks we share. When the elephant in the room is acknowledged, it loses all its power. When the cat's out of the bag, there's no more unspoken tension. It's just reality, fact. You don't like me, that's fine, now let's work on this shared task we have.

Again I'm not going to pretend that someone disliking me hasn't hurt me. I want to be well-liked as do most people, and probably to an unhealthy degree at times. I've been really wounded by the mean things said about me, merited and unmerited. But I'm okay with it now. I have a clear conscious, so I don't feel responsible for their dislike anymore. I can't please everyone and my decisions have made me unpopular with this person. Oh well you can't win 'em all. I don't mean to sound harsh, flippant, or unscathed by this because trust me I have cried over the lack of approval from this person. It's not that I don't care. I've just moved on. So let's do it. Let's cut the crap. Just say it. You don't like me. There doesn't that feel better? Maybe you're getting to the point where now that your anger has been released into the open, you're thinking, "Wait, maybe I actually do like her." No. Still hate me. Okay.

I just realized I wrote a letter to this person, in public, on a blog. Oh God I am just like the girl who I posted about last month who wrote a letter to her mom on her site. I don't want to be one of those people. Ugh. Just like how I wished that girl would tell her mom everything she posted for the public to see, maybe I need to confront this person and tell them exactly what I've written for anyone else but them to see. I'm a wimp. But man how about some public venting. This is exactly the kind of thing I never wanted to post. I'll break that rule tonight I guess. Don't judge me. One person disliking me is enough.