Pessimistic

I took a little blogging vacation. I've been keeping busy living a normal productive life instead of holed up in bed riddled with anxiety. Living inside of structure and routine have given me such freedom and I can say this is the best I have felt in a very long time. Daniel and I were talking about the changes he's seen in me since transitioning into my new jobs and lifestyle. It's good to know that there's actually evidence of my new found health. He notices a difference; it's not just me thinking I'm doing better.

Here's how unaccustomed I am to feeling this stable: I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out. I will find myself overcome with feelings of absolute dread and try to remember what it is that I'm afraid of exactly. There's nothing though. I have nothing to feel anxious or fearful of, but my mind is so used to frequent periods of dread, fear, and worry that it creates those emotions even when there's nothing to worry about. I keep thinking that everything is going to collapse or fall apart like there's no way things could actually feel good for this long of a stretch. How horrible is that? I am so used to contentment feeling fleeting that it's hard for me to accept that healthy "normal" people can enjoy this sense of stability for extended periods of time. I don't trust life, myself, or my emotions. Something's got to fall apart sooner or later. Right?

I do not want to live this way just waiting for the impending disaster. I think it will just take time as I continue to test the waters and realize that I don't have to carry an umbrella on me as I wait for the rain. I can relax for once instead of bracing for impact from the most recent task I've fallen short on again. It's October now which means it's 4th quarter for this little blog project. I'm hoping to finish these final 3 months strong. I don't mean not missing posts or refining my writing. I mean living. I still have a whole quarter to go so I don't want to start evaluating now, but I can confidently say that I am different because of this blog. I hope the 4th quarter is filled with an even more increased amount of freedom from perfectionism, bravery in the face of fear and anxiety, and an enjoyment of life just as it is: good, bad, and even just mediocre at times.