If You Really Knew Me

If You Really Knew Me - MTV Shows

I stumbled across (Pause for sidenote: I just discovered thanks to automatic spell check that "acrossed" is not a word. I googled it just to make sure because I've been using "acrossed" as the past tense of "across" for as long as I can remember. Here's what urban dictionary says, "acrossed: an agonizing ignorant mispronunciation wildly popular all across the Midwest". Geez that's harsh, but oh so sadly true as I can attest obviously. Thought I would share my embarrassment along with my surprise.) Moving on...

Tonight I stumbled across the MTV show "If You Really Knew Me". It documents Challenge Day workshops hosted at high schools across the country. During a Challenge Day students and teachers of different races, backgrounds, and social groups share experiences to show that despite their differences they share common pain (and maybe some other things as well, but it was the pain that struck me- I believe it was the pain that I was drawn into since that is the shared experienced that seems to have bonded me most to people this past year since cancer entered our family.) They sit knee to knee with a partner and start with the phrase, "If you really knew me you would know that _____". The blank is often filled with things like "my dad died when I was little but I don't like to talk about it" or "everyone thinks I'm fine but I don't feel like I really have any friends". The groups merge into larger circles and the exercise is completed again with more and more kids connecting knee to knee as they open up about things they've maybe never said out loud before. One of the final exercises has everyone line up side by side and they are told to cross to the other side of the room and look at the remaining group if a particular statement is true of them. The leader announces, "Cross the room if you've ever thought about or attempted suicide". Half the room switched sides. "Cross the room if you've ever felt alone or afraid." The entire room moved.

One young man shared that he was the valedictorian but that not many people knew that he was gay. He crossed the room on the suicide question. My heart broke. Another young man whose own father was there participating in the Challenge Day as well shared that he felt a ton of pressure from his dad, like he had to perform and always be the best in order for his dad to be proud of him. His dad later shared that day in front of the entire room. He called his son over, and with microphone in hand so everyone could hear him, announced, "I know you might feel pressure from me, but I want you to know that I love you. Some days you might make good choices and some days you might make mistakes, but I will never stop loving you." Woah. The son looked on restraining his teenage tears as best he could, but was visibly shaken by his father's words. I sat there on my couch wishing every father and son, shoot every mother and daughter, father and daughter, mother and son could have an exchange like this. From 11 years working with high school kids and being a daughter myself, I've seen this pressure to perform, to be good enough, to make your parents proud in almost every (if not all) kid I've worked with. If only we could have this conversation at age 16 and just be reassured right then and there that of course they are proud, of course we are loved and always will be. Instead most of us simply work until adulthood to earn a seal of approval that was there all along. If only kids could hear that they don't need to be good enough for their parents because I also know that the reality for some kids is that the pressure is not always self-imposed. I am lucky to be in the family I am in, but for some kids they haven't heard that their parents are proud of them because their parents are still gauging each step their child takes, lost so much in making sure their child makes the right choices that they forget to tell them they are loved and accepted despite some of the dumb stuff they may do. What's funny is that I find kids who feel safe and secure at home usually go on to make better decisions anyway. (I'll hop down off my soapbox now seeing as how I am not a parent and don't want it to seem as though I am judging parents. God knows I'm terrified of screwing up any kids I may have someday. I fully recognize that parenthood is the hardest endeavor one can ever embark on. I'm only speaking to the hurt I've encountered over and over again, year after year.)

The first half of Challenge Day's mantra is "Imagine a world where every child feels safe, loved, and celebrated." Amen. I can get behind that.

channel 1 news-2007 from Rodrigo Torres on Vimeo.