Where to begin again?

I am always writing blog posts in my head. Sometimes I'm composing them as I'm watching the moment unfold in front of me (like I was doing this weekend while watching a bride dance with her family at her wedding). I wasn't sure how to start writing again, but I think I probably just need to jump back in and the words that are in my head will start coming onto the screen again.

It's a day shy of two months since I last posted. It feels like an eternity. It's only been 60 some days but things feel so different. Not a lot has changed circumstantially or situationally, but I have changed. I am different and that is a very good thing. The year that I spent writing the blog certainly induced a lot of the change in me, but I think the span of time that began last summer with leaving my job, the month and half of unemployment, and still yet to be settled in a new career has caused much more dramatic change.

A few weeks ago I was praying and journaling and reflecting on the past year. I have kept a journal on and off since the third grade when my teacher Mrs. Jones gifted me with my first personal journal. There is a plastic crate in my parents' basement containing over 20 years worth of my journals. (Someday one of my grandchildren will stumble across them and give up on reading after hearing enough about all of my middle school crushes.) Mrs. Jones gave me a great gift and now I have a concrete way to constantly reflect on where I've been, who I was, where I'm going, and who I'm becoming.

So a few weeks ago when I was reflecting on the past year, I flipped to the front of my current journal and starting reading my entry from July 11th, 2010. I read my words and laughed at the person I was. I recognize my voice. And I recognize a lot of things in me that I don't like. I recognize my fear. I recognize my need for control. I recognize my arrogance. But I read that person's words and rejoiced because though I remember who that person was, I know that she does not live in me anymore. There is still fear in me. I still feel the need to control things at times. And I can be arrogant still. I recognize that girl, but not because she is the one staring back at me in the mirror. She is a memory.

My prayer on July 11th and the weeks and months that followed was that God would show me what my new calling was. I thought if he called me away from Young Life staff that it was because he was going to call me to something else. I have learned a lot of things this year, but maybe nothing as clear as the truth that God is much less concerned about what I do than he is with who I am. I began learning the basics of this lesson in my Year of Living Imperfectly when I began breaking my performance based identity issue. For me there was no better way to learn this than through unemployment and subsequent underemployment.

It has been almost a full year since leaving my first career and I still don't have a full time job. I have not found a new career. I am not a salaried employee. I have to get benefits through my husband (God bless that man). You want to talk about breaking the pride, ego, and arrogance out of someone? Try working 3 part time jobs, for hourly pay of no more than $10 an hour. I don't mind though! This life is not what I imagined when I decided to leave my job. I am almost laughing out loud at the conversation Daniel and I had where we discussed the likelihood that I could probably make more money now that I was leaving full time ministry with a non-profit. Hahahaha! But it's okay! Really it is! That's how I know I've changed! I've had to go through all of this to humble me and humble me it has. And I am better for it!

This past year has not been a walk in the park. There were times of darkness last summer that I have only experienced in seasons once or twice before. But I am so very grateful for it because it "worked". As much as I prayed this past year for a new career, I kept hearing God promise me not a new job, but that he had a plan for me in this season, a purpose to what he is doing. I kept hoping I could just endure this season of underemployment and at some point he would consider his "purpose" finished and give me a new job already. I suppose he could have answered my prayers and done just that, but then I would just be the same old Hattie with a new job. No instead he kept trucking along and somewhere along the way I started to change from the inside. My circumstances didn't change. The outside stayed the same, but my heart/character were transformed.

I could write forever about all this and how it's still occurring, but instead I'll just share how I know I'm different. I'm not sure that I have felt the change since it's been so gradual, but I've seen the evidence. I had a series of interviews for a job the past two weeks and at the end the interviewer asked me, "What's something you'd like to share about yourself that I didn't ask?" My answer, "I like to work. I'd rather be working than not." The Hattie from a year ago would not have said such a thing. She was entitled and expected a generous salary for simply showing up (and even for not showing up if she felt too overwhelmed to tackle her work that day). I have days off every once in a while (with wedding season I have been working almost every single day) and I've gotten so good at balancing 3 different jobs that I don't know what to do with full days off anymore. I know it's important to take time off and relax, but I enjoy my jobs and my co-workers so much that I'd almost rather be working sometimes. I don't dread work like I used to. Opening my email or hearing my phone ring used to trigger such anxiety in me. They were just reminders of the sense of drowning I was feeling, the inability to keep up with my job. Now I look forward to each workday. I'm not trying to save the world, but just rather make the people I interact with happier and serve the the team of people I work with.

The other large piece of evidence that I'm different is how healthy I am. Sure I feel anxious sometimes, but now instead of running away or hiding from life, I'm forced to face scary situations and overcome them. I've learned to cope with anxiety and keep living in the moment because I don't have another choice. I have to show up for work everyday. It's not just overcoming the little moments of anxiety either, it's the deep undercurrent of peace that's been cultivated. I have a new brave approach to life and a trust that everything (even the small stuff) is going to be just fine. I think this comes from facing my fears of mediocrity and living in situations I always looked upon with such judgement and condemnation (i.e. not having a full time job, being an hourly worker, not using my college degree). Man was I judgmental.

So here I am Mrs. Mediocre. But I'm happy, really, really happy. I love my husband. I love my friends. I love my life. I have more relationships and friendships now than I've had in recent years (one of the many benefits of having 3 different sets of co-workers). On a day to day basis I am completely content with my external situations because internally I am more humble and just grateful for how extremely rich my life is. I am so lucky. When I think about the long term, and of course the end of wedding season when my life will slow down dramatically, of course I would love to find a full time job of meaningful work. Which is why I've been looking for jobs again. But I think I've had to endure this past year to allow God to change me first. I don't think I was ready a year ago. Now I'm a little more ready for all sorts of situations and whatever may lie ahead because my approach to each day and the people around me and my view of myself is so different.

So here I am: poor and folding t-shirts at a clothing store. But at least I am nice and have good people around me to share my life with.