Hyper Focused

Hello there. I took an unintentional 2 week hiatus from the blog, but am happy to be back. The reason for my absence? Hyper focus. "What is hyper focus?" you may ask. I may not be giving the completely accurate medical description of it, but here is what my experience has been whether or not I am using the term correctly.

A bi-product of my anxiety at times is obsessive fixation. The fixation for me is usually on an upcoming event or appointment, or on an item I would like to purchase. Hang with me. When the fixation is on an event, it's like I can't think about anything until the event has taken place. Mentally I feel like I can't move on with my life until that particular date has passed. All of my focus, energy, planning, preparation, and thoughts are spent on this one moment in time. For example if I am throwing a party, all of my free time is spent pondering all the aspects of what needs to get done. This sounds like it would make me really effective, like I am able to devote myself completely to tasks. Wrong. Even when I need to give my attention to other things or when I am relaxing or having a conversation with someone, all my mind is doing is thinking about the event. It is the complete inability to multi-task and a picture of an "all or nothing" disposition.

Allow me to explain the fixation on a future purchase since I know this may sound strange. I didn't realize I was doing this or that it was abnormal until a few years ago when Daniel politely asked me to stop talking about something I wanted. I'm not sure why I do this, but it may be a coping mechanism I've picked up to distract me from something that is making me anxious. I think I may get obsessive about things in order to avoid dealing with feelings of anxiety. For example I will see a furniture item or piece of clothing that I like and suddenly my attention is devoted to that item. I will spend time looking at it online, visiting it at the mall, and scheming of things I can sell in order to pay for the item. Crazy I know.

Well a lot of this hyper focus has been occurring over these last two weeks leaving me without much mental energy to write or blog. I should have been blogging because the exercise would have taught me some balance. Let me give you a picture of how this fixation can play out and give you some insight into the obsessive mind of a crazy person. I mentioned before that with wedding season coming to a close I am in need of a third job. Last week I was offered the opportunity to interview for a full time position at one of my current jobs. After laying awake that night unable to sleep and talking with Daniel, I realized that the job wouldn't be a good fit for me and just the thought of it was already causing me stress. The next day I turned down the interview and pulled myself out of the process. I found an opportunity with the school district working at an elementary school and applied for the job on Monday. With the anxiety brewing over turning down one opportunity and pursuing another, I was ripe for a potential fixation. Enter glitter flats. I found a pair of adorable gold glittery shoes. However they are at a store exempt from Daniel and I's collective retail discount (it's really hard to pay full price once you've been spoiled by discounts and when you're not making much money) and I already spent my clothing allowance for October (and am saving November's for a trip to Chicago). I visited the shoes one afternoon just to "check on them". I devised a financial plan of using some of our anniversary money to pay for them. They remained out of my grasp.

So on Monday after dropping off my application for the elementary school job, I went to DSW to see if they offered a more affordable alternative to the perfect shoes. They did in fact have a perfect substitute. They retailed for only $39.99 and were an additional 30% off making them in the neighborhood of $28. They didn't have my size so I had the store call their other locations to see if they had them in my size. They had them in Overland Park so I headed 25 minutes West to pick them up. When I got there I opened the shoebox with my little hold tag on them to much dismay. They were the wrong shoes. The store didn't even have the glitter flat. Slightly annoyed but still hopeful, I continued my search. I headed to their third location another 15 minutes away only to find an even more dismal selection. I stopped by Oak Park Mall for a hail mary attempt at locating the discounted shoes before making my long trek home. A few hours and a tour of Johnson County later, I made it home.

The next day I called DSW's Zona Rosa location. The woman on the other end of the phone said she had the shoes and in my size ready to hold them for me. I double checked and asked, "There the one's with glitter all over the entire shoe?" She confirmed and with Daniel in tow we drove 40 minutes North (through construction traffic) to pick up the shoes. I should have known. Not the right shoe, not even close to the right style, not the same brand. I mumbled and grumbled my way through the aisles of shoes venting to Daniel about the lady's complete incompetence. This is not like me, but these were glitter flats dammit! She apologized and stated how she should have checked the style name. Well duh! What did she think when I requested a particular style name? That any pewter colored flat would be fine?

I ordered them online today. I didn't get the extra 30% off, but I did get free shipping. If I had fought for the discount I would have had to pay shipping since they were under $35. I'll be glad when the whole glitter flat fiasco is over. But as a result of all this drama, I haven't thought about my interview on Friday morning for the new job and how nervous I am. Distraction accomplished? Did I really just create a week-long scenario to consume my mind in order to spare myself from dealing with the anxious feelings I'm having about something that really does matter? I think so.

One of the main reasons I'm most excited about getting a full time job is to keep myself busy and focused on things that matter. Now that I'm working again I find myself SIGNIFICANTLY less anxious because I am too busy and tired at the end of the day to worry about insignificant things. I'll be glad for the day when I don't have time to run around town in pursuit of $28 sparkly flats. This is called "getting a life."

I feel super lame after this entry, but it helped me feel better by venting. Besides if I let stupid entries keep me from posting, I'd be on another two week hiatus.