Devastated

How do you title a blog post to sum up a situation you wish you never had to experience?

A quick disclaimer: My blog is not private and I choose to continue to keep it open because I want to make myself, my experiences, and my heart available to other people. Many people would not be able to read along if they were forced to expose their anonymity by becoming an official "follower" in order to have access to me and what I'm trying to share here.

That being said because my words are public I am not ready to speak publicly about a recent loss that Daniel and I are currently grieving. But if this had happened in 2010 I would have forced myself to post something, anything as part of my Year of Living Imperfectly daily post challenge. The good and the bad. In the best of times and the worst of times, I committed to sharing myself and exposing myself to friends and family who read along and to those anonymous souls across computer screens who may have stumbled upon my journey. Last year's blog project was life altering for me and has changed who I am and how I live. So on this day, in the worst of times, I feel compelled to share something, anything.

As I begin to weep at my keyboard, this is what I can share today.


This is a picture from Young Life's annual All City club where kids from all the Kansas City and surrounding suburban schools get together for a giant club all together. Daniel and I have had the privilege the past few years to lead these couple hundred kids in song at each year's event. The singing is fun, but the view is something I wish everyone could experience. So here it is. I took a picture one year because I wanted people to see this event from our perspective, from the best seat in the house.

This particular year Daniel and I's leader from our high school days at Oak Park got to speak. I took my seat alongside the crowd and listened to Peach's words to this crowd. Is this what Jesus saw when he spoke to the masses? Is this what He felt when "He had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd"? I don't remember Peach's whole talk because I wasn't present for most of it. Let me explain. He was telling a story, which I can't remember the point of, about trying to have a conversation with God while driving in his car and Nelly's rap song "Grillz" came on. Peach then proceeded to play a clip of the song for all the kids and encouraged them to respond "however they wanted". The result? Well these high school kids came to life. A few of them stood up and began dancing, showing off their best moves for their 400 peers in the room. Most sang/rapped along. I watched and was overcome and burst into tears. I caught a glimpse of the way God sees his kids. I watched sensing the heart of the proud Father who loves, I mean LOVES teenagers. We've all been teenagers and there's no denying that this is a special time of life so unique to any other age we will experience. The moment simply was kids being kids and me falling completely in love with them for being exactly that.

I ducked out the side door and broke down outside overwhelmed by love for the hundreds of kids on the other side of the wall.

Today I hold onto this memory and to the overwhelming love that I still feel for teenagers and for the God who loves them and me more than I can ever comprehend.

You Know You Have a Weight Problem When...

You know you have a weight problem when you create a weight loss competition at work and only 3 people sign up.

I am not someone who sits around at work and complains about my weight or the way I look. But if it comes up in conversation I am not afraid to casually mention my distaste for the extra lbs. I'm carrying around. That being said, it came up in conversation and a co-worker and I thought it would be fun to host a Biggest Loser weight loss competition at work as inspired by the TV show. We thought the accountability, support of the group, and a little competitive incentive were the perfect ingredients to motivate some spring weight loss. We decided on a start date of March 1st and posted a sign up sheet in the backroom. I signed up. She signed up. Two other women signed up. And with plenty of room on the sign up sheet still left, no one else decided to join our ranks. At that point I looked around at our staff and had a bit of an epiphany. No one on our staff (really including the people who did sign up as well) is carrying excess weight. They appear to be in great shape and I never really hear them complain about body image stuff.

Do the majority of people I know exist in a healthy state without the ever present thought of weight loss? Because since high school (and even a little bit during that time) have always had to think about my weight. I guess I don't have to think about it; what I mean to say is "watch" my weight. I don't naturally enjoy working out and thus it is not a regular thing for me and I also wouldn't say I have the best discipline when it comes to eating responsibly. As a result I've always had room to lose some weight, some years more room than others.

I'm catching a glimpse of life beyond weight loss. I want to be one of those people who takes care of themselves and is thus not always thinking about the room I have to lose. I'm realizing this is possible because I'm not one of those people who really struggles with my body image to the point where it doesn't matter how much weight I lost it would never be enough. No it's just that I'm actually kind of pudgy. Well not really anymore, but I was 2 years ago before I began losing my initial 20 pounds.

That's right! 20 pounds! It took me around a year and I've been maintaining that weight for about another 12 months. So, see people? People are always nice by saying, "You don't need to lose weight." And then when I finally did they were like, "Oh you look great." I must have hid those 20 pounds well because it seems like a big number and I never really felt that big. I know people were just trying to be nice by telling me I didn't need to lose weight and I appreciate that. But it's not like I didn't like myself. Sometimes we just get overweight and it's okay to lose it. It doesn't always have to be a huge emotional battle. Sometimes fat is just fat.

I think The Biggest Loser competition at work is about to dissolve. It's March 14th and we still haven't officially started because we haven't done our initial weigh-in. The fourth person who signed up recently removed their name from the list. I'm about to throw in the towel before we've even begun as well. This is normally how weight loss (or attempts at weight loss) go for me...best intentions. But I've proven I can do it and I'd like to shed these last extra pounds and then be done with it forever (or at least until I deal with baby weight if children are in our future). It would be nice to live in a state of "maintaining" rather than attempting to lose weight. I'm ready to live like the rest of the healthy world.

If you are looking to read a hilarious weight loss blog check out my friend Dan's journey: Dan vs. Fat. His conspiracy theory concerning the methods of the Girl Scouts and their cookie campaign is particularly entertaining.

The 3 Job Myth

Long time, no see little blog o' mine. I've missed you. I think of you often and compose blog posts in my head, paragraph by paragraph, but I never sit down anymore to record them here. I have the day off today, which in my world of three part-time jobs doesn't happen much. However, please allow me to address my three job myth.

I have some very sweet people in my life. In fact I have to say that I can't remember a time since college that I have had such a numerous amount of relationships. That is one of the perks of having three jobs: three sets of co-workers. Not to mention the multitude of friends who have taken pity on my current state and take the extra time to check in on me. Their pity (compassion and genuine desire to support me) has led to a lot of re-connections and intentional time spent nurturing my friendships. More on this in a later post.

I continue to get asked the same question or hear the same assumption from many of these very sweet people in my life. This is what I am dubbing "The 3 Job Myth". The first aspect of The Myth comes from this sentiment, "Three jobs! You must be running around all the time." The Myth is that I am busier than people with one full time job. False. It sounds like I am working all the time, but I rarely hit a full 35-40 hours of work in a week. Rather I work very short shifts and they are just spread across all seven days of the week. So when I say I rarely have a day off don't feel bad for me because some days I am only working for as little as 3 hours at a time. As I was accumulating jobs, each place was only able to offer me a few hours each week, thus necessitating the need for me to acquire yet another job and before I knew it I had three.

As I type this I realize how unintelligent I may seem, or at least inefficient. But anyone who has been unemployed in this economy can relate. There simply are not an excess of jobs out there. I attempted to gain full-time employment and went through a few interviews but was unable to secure the jobs. Believe me I am going to try again, but sometimes you just do what you gotta do.

The second aspect of The Myth is that I am making a lot of money. Ha ha ha! Excuse me while I try and compose myself from all the laughter induced by this statement. FALSE. Now that the first aspect of The Myth has been debunked, it is easy to see that clearly I am not making much money. However for anyone who was still fooled by The Myth of 3 Jobs, an assumption like this would actually seem pretty reasonable, "Three jobs. Good for you. Make the money while you can before you start having kids." My response was, "I'm just trying to survive financially so that I can have kids." I think people who worked three jobs themselves at some point either a. did it in a different economy b. did it in fields that were higher paying (i.e. not creative fields) or c. chose jobs more wisely than I have. I can see how if I had one full time job and then two supplemental part time jobs, I could be rakin' in the bucks. People believing this part of The Myth are not off-base in their assumption. They just don't know me well enough to understand that sometimes I'm not the best planner.

I so appreciate the love and support I am receiving from, as I'm calling them, the cheerleaders in my life. My squad is growing and I would say it numbers in the 30's! There are some co-captains on the squad for sure, but the coach is most definitely my husband. It makes me teary as I type now and reflect on the unwavering support he's provided since January of 2010 when this transition process began. He gave me the freedom back then to leave the safety and security of my previous job and has not faltered since. He sets the example to everyone else in my life that, "Hattie needed to leave her old job to pursue what God wants her to do (though she may be a little unclear about what exactly that is). And look everyone we are going to support her and cheer her on every step of the way!" Then in my mind all my friends and family line up behind him in their navy blue letter sweaters with red "H's" sewn on the front like a little team of cheerleaders. Daniel has a navy blue wool baseball hat with a red H on the front. (The H is not for Hattie, he just liked the hat. But that's where my imagery comes from.)

I am so inspired by my own team and groups of people who form teams in times of crisis when they rally around a loved one who is diagnosed with cancer or another life-threatening disease. Whether it's a breast cancer walk or a 5K, I am so inspired reading the t-shirts of those who run by proclaiming they are running for "Team Kelly" or "Team Frank". It's a beautiful thing to be rallied around like that, to know that you are not alone, to know that you don't have to carry this "thing" alone.

There's a job I'd like: professional cheerleader. It's a shame that all the things I want to do don't actually pay (like the Fun Police idea). But I'm slowly realizing that maybe my call of what God wants me to do is not going to be done inside of a career, but in all the other parts of my life, in my relationships. Maybe the more important things I do in life I won't receive a paycheck for. I want to start a cheer squad for my cheer coach. I want to wear a blue letter sweater with a columbia blue "D" sewn onto it (Oak Park High colors, duh). I've received so many blessings from my team that they will spoil if I don't share them and pass them on to others in need. I can at the same time be the recipient of all this support and be a cheerleader myself. What a waste if I hoarded all this to myself. I want to wear a letter for someone else now. I mean after all, I have three jobs and some people have none. That's just selfish. I should give a few of mine away.

Failure From a Former Overachiever

Hip hip hooray for a new failure! Oh Project 365 you began with a nice sentiment, "A daily blog post may be a little much for 2011, but surely a daily picture is doable", but I am just not cut out for your demands.

Susan Sarandon was being interviewed on Oprah and she shared an interesting comment about making mistakes. She said something about enjoying or cherishing your mistakes because it's how you learn who you are AND who you are not. The second half of that is pretty insightful. I think a large part of my journey of self discovery (and I won't speak for others but...perhaps all of our journeys) is not just figuring out who we are but who we are not. Recently I've been discovering a lot about who I am not. Project 365 taught me that I am not a photographer. And that is okay!

A piece of my perfectionism was/is wanting to be good at everything. That kind of expectation on myself just sets me up for continual disappointment. I walk away from many situations feeling discouraged because they just make me more aware of my inadequacies, shortcomings, and lack of gifting in a particular area. After some therapy I must tell you that this phenomenon comes not from critical "Tiger Mom" parents (actually they were nothing but excited and impressed by my different achievements) rather it comes from being an overachiever at a young age. In school I was not only good at a lot of different things, but at some things I was the best. I won't list off my accomplishments here as proof, but let's just say that I always performed well at the competitions and places of recognition that exist in grade school and middle school. I have a friend Joel who won the title of "Best Boy" at his high school. We didn't have that award at my elementary school or middle school, but it's a good description of the types of awards I won. The equivalent of the "Best Girl" award for our 8th grade class was the Principal's Award. I won that along with the prize of $100 (though I don't think we were supposed to tell anyone because they might get jealous so I kept my prepubescent mouth shut).
High school gave me my first taste of the real world and the reality that I could no longer be the best at everything. As a result I just became more specialized. I decided on the things that were important to me and worked really hard at achieving in those areas and gaining status (and thus self esteem). College operated in the same way and Young Life became my "specialty". For the first six years after college I remained inside a career where I felt competent. But now here I am outside of my comfort zone, outside of my competencies and expertise, and my self esteem has gone in the crapper.

I feel like I'm starting over. I'm left having to figure out who I am and what I'm good at. Unfortunately Susan Sarandon was right about mistakes showing us who we are not. That's exactly where I'm at: trying stuff out, making mistakes, and figuring out "I guess I'm actually not so great at ____. I probably shouldn't pursue that as a career." Is this called "learning the hard way" or "trial and error"? These may be effective methods of self-discovery, but they sure do assault one's self esteem and require a lot of patience as well. I feel stuck in a season of life that consists of a lot of failure in order to narrow down my potential career paths when I wish God would just send me a quick email letting me know what to do without having to go through all this uncertainty.

I have a friend who left Young Life at the same time I did. Not only did he have a new job lined up before he left, but it's a career, and he likes it. What's up with that? He's actually one of my references on my resume and has participated in my job search (that still feels a little ongoing). I wonder sometimes if he thinks it's weird that I still seem a little clueless about my future while he has settled nicely into his already. But I am fully aware that God has us on very different journeys. God feels the need to orchestrate my circumstances in this manner because he know I need the process. There are some things very essential about this season that are serving as preparation for what is next. I will not be ready for the season after this without the lessons and growth I am undergoing right now. (At least I hope so.)

So back to Project 365...It's not fun for me. It's not life giving. I quit. Here are some of the last pictures I took before officially throwing in the towel though.

Audrey and Oscar: I love a fellow dog lover.

Penny stranded in her 1'x1' square during the blizzard.

Celebrating dear Jessie's 30th birthday at Skate City of course. I love my friends because they don't stop being fun just because "we are too old for that".

Kendall rocking the stache at Jessie's birthday dinner. She looks so dignified.

Wardrobe Malfunction

The Tobinator strikes again. Even though I've written about this dilemma before I feel the need to share my pain with someone, anyone once again. Here are the facts in case you missed my extended explanation in my earlier post. 1. Daniel and I's bedroom is very, very messy including closets worth of clothing strewn on the floor. 2. Toby has a horrible habit of peeing on anything left on said floor. 3. I often wear clothing off the floor because a. it is not always dirty after just one wear and b. sometimes items will make it to the floor without actually being worn first. The result: On more than one occasion I have worn pee-riddled clothing.

This morning I was getting ready for work and thought I smelled dog urine. I couldn't locate the source but it was so overwhelming that I even inspected one of the heat vents Toby likes to lay next to in case he had peed directly onto the vent thereby transmitting the scent of urine throughout the entire house. The vent was clean. I finished getting ready and was distracted enough by other things to forget about the smell.

Once at work I had to reach under my desk for something and caught the scent again. I began inspecting the sleeves of my clothing to no avail but the scent trail remained right under my nose...literally. Upon further investigation I discovered the source...my bra. That little twirp Toby had marked my unmentionables. He had gone too far this time. Getting between a lady and her undergarments is an act of war.

But how to fight back? Obviously if I knew how to prevent his terrible behavior I would have remedied it a long time ago. It looks like he may have won this round. I can just picture him gloating all day long thinking of me sitting for 6 uncomfortable hours unable to simply remove my jacket or change my shirt. No, I had no back up brassiere (because that would be weird) and there I had to sit for the remainder of the day gagging in disgust and embarrassment each time I inhaled a little too deeply and caught a whiff of his defeat. Touche Toby, touche.

Project 365 Week 3 and 4

I am posting my pictures for weeks 3 and 4 of Project 365 and in the spirit and tradition of imperfectionism celebrated on this blog, you'll find a number of days missing. But hey it's better to have some days than no days.

1/15/2011- Missed this day.

1/16/2011- Daniel was traveling in NYC so I indulged my bachelorette side with a few chick flicks and ice cream. My picture was of the movies Valentine's Day and Killers and the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream I was eating. The next day I got a new phone and this picture was left behind on the old phone.

1/17/2011- I love Monday nights. I get together with a group of really fun and funny gals each week for Monday Funday. We are currently watching the Bachelor (my personal fav). On the 17th we celebrated Emily's bday at Monday Funday.

1/18/2011- A typical night before falling asleep: cuddling with pups and reading. I just finished The Help as part of my goal for 2011 of reading a book a month this year.

1/19/2011- I accidentally said something about Daniel to Toby. Toby recognizes the word "daddy" (we're weird obsessive dog parents I know okay) and began looking at the door awaiting Daniel's arrival even though he wouldn't be home for another day. Like a real sad sack Toby sat on the couch and stared at the door the rest of the night.


1/20/2011- In the midst of another snow storm, we had a sunny afternoon and this dog was enjoying the weather while we sat at a stoplight.

1/21/2011- We went to the YL leader retreat down at Lake of the Ozarks. As soon as I laid down in bed I realized I hadn't taken a picture for the day. Whoops.

1/22/2011- Daniel before leading a YL team meeting. He wasn't really using those giant notes (they were there from a previous seminar). It's fun seeing him in teacher mode though. He'd be great in the classroom if he ever chose to teach.

1/23/2011- While working a bridal fair we were visited by a fellow vendor. Who wouldn't want to hire a magician for their reception? I do love the genuine surprise on Lindsay, my fellow consultant's, face.

1/24/2011- ? Apparently I missed this day.

1/25/2011- This was the sign Toby made for Daniel coming back from NYC the week before. Also though Daniel's not a fan of Tim Tebow, he is Toby's role model so he likes to be called "Tobo Tebow" sometimes as a nickname.

1/26/2011- Our wedding firm visited the historic Marriott Muelbach hotel and we stopped for a photo op in the old phone booths.

1/27/2011- Daniel was combing his hair and decided to comb Toby's hair for him too.

1/28/2011- Forgot, whoops.

1/29/2011- My niece Callie has learned how to say "no". Here she is in action.

1/30/2011- Way to finish strong huh? That's okay.

Project 365 Week 2

1/8/2011- A little post dinner wine...literally. We discovered 4-packs of mini wines this week. Since I like white and Daniel likes red we can never finish full bottles before they go bad. This is a budget friendly solution.

1/9/2011- Snow dusted pumpkins. We didn't have a Christmas tree this year, but we held onto our pumpkins long past Halloween. Maybe I'll stick them in our side yard next to our 2009 decomposing Christmas tree.

1/10/2011- Enjoying the only snowstorm of the season...so far.

1/11/2011- This was the week of cooking dinner at home (an unusual occurrence for us). Here's Daniel's veggie and hummus pizza.

1/12/2011- Watching the replay of President Obama's moving speech for the Arizona memorial.

1/13/2011- A pile of dirty clothes on the floor of my closet became a bed for Toby while I got ready for work.

1/14/2011- I am not a morning person and rarely have to get up early for work, but this gorgeous sky was a nice treat despite having to work the early shift.