A State Championship and an Identity Crisis

This post (and more importantly real life crisis) has been a long time coming, but was made even more clear by an incident this past weekend. The school I do Young Life at was having an incredible season of football and during each playoff game I was there rooting them on just hoping we would "make it to the dome" (our state game is held every year in the St. Louis Ram's Edward Jones Dome indoor stadium). Young Life leaders pray for opportunities like this since it is a contact work ministry dream. You get such great quality time with your kids with the 4 hour car ride there, an overnight with the potential for shared meals, shopping excursions, and all sorts of adventures. It's like taking a fall trip with your kids without having to plan anything.

Well the Titans were headed to the dome and I had already asked off work in preparation, which is no easy feat to get off on Black Friday when you work in retail. I eagerly began making plans to fill my car and head to St. Louis. As the days ticked closer I still hadn't found any girls who hadn't already made plans. It was Thanksgiving night and caravans were leaving the next morning and my car was still empty. I was beyond bummed.

During a tearful discussion with Daniel I lamented about the state of my relationships with YL kids. I have been really encouraged by the progress I'm making with younger girls especially. Most of them however were cheering or dancing at the game and would be taking the bus to St. Louis. The senior girls who I've been working with since their freshman year though are another story. Losing momentum with some kids after 4 years is typical, but the reverse is also true. The hope is that after that long some of these kids at least have begun to turn into actual friends. Daniel had this with his guys that graduated last year. We held our annual Turkey Bowl last week where kids and alumni come bowl with friends and YL leaders. Our typical turn out is 75-100. This year, not including Daniel's graduated guys, we had 10. Daniel had almost as many alumni show up as we had current kids attend. Those guys love him, are loyal to him, and miss him while they're away at school. I have a few senior girls who I am close to, but I fear many of my other relationships will slowly fade away completely over the coming years. That makes me sad...not angry or disappointed. I still love those girls very much and don't put expectations on our relationship. I'm not asking anything of them. I'm simply sad that there is distance between us that wasn't there before.

Here's where this post/truth gets difficult to share. In YL leader training it's hammered into your head that you are here to give to the kids. Unlike other things or people in their life we have the freedom to not ask anything from them like say a teacher or coach would since they are in a different setting. If a kid stands you up, you turn the other cheek so to speak. Sometimes after they graduate, a friendship develops and a different dynamic occurs as it would with your peers. However while kids are inside of YL they are free from expectation, as it should be. You wouldn't go to Africa as a missionary and start requiring the people to reciprocate your efforts. After 10 straight years of leading, this football game was perhaps the first time I really acknowledged the natural human side of me as opposed to the selfless YL leader. It was good for me and brought to light some things I was trying to pretend weren't true.

I let myself admit that not having anyone want to ride with me made me feel unpopular and unneeded. Instead of defending the occurrance as a "rebuilding year", I admitted out loud to Daniel that I often feel like if I wasn't at a sporting event, kids wouldn't notice or care that I wasn't there. And that is a humbling place to be. This is where the YL leader stays effective though. We go anyway. We continue to show up for kids over and over even when they don't notice or don't care. We stay constant despite their reaction (or lack of a reaction). And we do this because this is what God does for us. He is faithful in spite of our faithlessness.

So I went to St. Louis the next day. I made the drive alone. I went to the dome alone. I bought a ticket for one and walked into the student section. There was one particular row full of girls who I knew and sure enough there was one, exactly one, open seat waiting for me. The night was good. Really fun actually. Nothing super profound. This isn't one of those inspiring stories of "I went even though it was hard and wouldn't you know God really showed up in a big way". Sorry. But a great experience to share with kids, an exciting game, and a celebration of becoming state champs. But that's not the end of the story for me.

Where to start? Part of my delay in writing this is my failure to articulate what exactly is happening in me. As good as life is right now and as healthy as I feel most of the time, I have a cloud of confusion that has set up camp around me. When people ask how I'm doing the conversation ends with me describing my state of confusion as to what the hell I'm supposed to be doing right now. I know the job I want and in time should be able to have it. But right now I need a job where I can make (and this is hilarious) 4 figures...as in more than $600 a month. So I keep looking for jobs and am still unable to find one. I keep asking God what I'm supposed to be doing and continue to hear nothing. I am trying to be faithful with the little I have in hopes that he will trust me with more responsibility. Nothing yet.

How does the YL piece fit into this? Well I've been humbled immensely this year. I sense God stripping away all the parts of my life where I found my affirmation, confidence, and identity. At the heart of this blog project was my attempt to get out of my performance based identity and rest in who I am as opposed to what I do. My career was the first piece to go. I needed to see who was left after removing a specific title. Now when I meet new people I can't answer the question, "What do you do?" Instead I am left with introducing myself as simply what type of person I am. This is good.

The next "crutch" to go was my relationships. I love my husband very much, but this year of change and my lack of health has been incredibly difficult on our marriage. I have amazing friends and so many girlfriends I can (and have) called in times of despair. But at the end of the day, we still have to go through a lot of harships alone as we have a hard time understanding what it's like to be in another person's shoes. I am lonely sometimes, but this is okay as I discover who I am without the sense of being needed by others.

Now the YL "crutch". The affirmation I was receiving from high school kids as a Young Life leader was perhaps more important to me than I'd like to admit. Walking into a group of high schoolers is easy for me because I'm 29, have already been through the perils of high school and college, and have seen the Homecoming Queen years after her crowning. I'm not intimidated. Kids are attracted to confidence, not arrogance, but humble confidence. While many of them are panicked about what they're wearing, worried about their social status, and just generally insecure, a confident adult who is completely him or herself stands in stark contrast to them and many of their friends. One of the best YL leaders I know is not a college kid who is wearing trendy clothing and always knows the coolest music before anyone else. Rather he is in his 50's, is an attorney, and plays Amazing Love at YL club as opposed to the latest song. He knows who he is and is completely okay with it. He doesn't try to be anything else. He's not trying to be just like them, because he knows kids aren't looking for another cool person to hang out with. They already have plenty of friends. They're looking for someone who is going to offer them something more. This is how Daniel and I have tried to do YL over the years. I don't try to be cool or say things to make kids like me. Instead I am just Hattie and offer them acceptance, kindness, and hopefully the truth that God is in love with them. And for the most part, kids have responded. Ministry has gone well over the past decade.

But something about this past weekend and the lack of kids coming to YL this semester has been too much for me to take. Maybe it's because I'm feeling stripped of every other source of affirmation and this was the only thing that was left. Why for the first time in 10 years did having an empty car feel like such rejection? Why did it bother me more this time than any other? I'm not looking for kids to tell me I'm cool, but I think I was looking for them to tell me I matter. That what I'm doing is important. That I'm needed. In YL training we were taught those are some of the questions we help answer for kids. We tell them that they matter, that they are important, that they are noticed. And here I have been looking to them to give me these answers. A role they were never meant to play. This weekend I felt God using the empty car incident perhaps to break me of this. It's okay for me to ask those questions, but I should be looking to him for the answers, not 16 year-olds. Though most of my intentions with being a YL leader are selfless, there is an element of it that is me performing once again and proving how successful I can be. Since I'm feeling very unsuccessful in ministry right now, it's another place that's made me question my worth. Evidence that an unhealthy amount of my identity is wrapped up in it.

I saw a blurp on facebook from a friend Steve who I really respect that I think may explain the process God has me in. "...significant times of spiritual growth in my life were preceded by intense confusion and doubt. The confusion and doubt seemed to shake me loose from immature or unhealthy places I was in and opened me to new growth." His friend replied, "I think there are times when the god we think we know has to betray us so we can come to know the God that is. In other words we have all crafted a version of God that must be unlearned to some degree." I've made gods out of my job, relationships, and affirmation from YL. My god is performance. I'm not sure what my version of the real God is in the midst of all my self-centeredness, but I'm starting to unlearn my view of my own gods at least.

I've wanted to break this performance based junk for awhile now. My crutches that were propping up my view of my self have fallen. If I'm going to stand up again, it's going to have to be based on God's view of who I am and not what I can do. I'm grateful to be in this place of humility because I feel like I'm really encountering the root of my issues instead of wading through the surface-y symptoms. I feel like I'm at the basement level, the core, the center of my unhealthy thinking from which my behavior stems. It took a while to get here and I'm not sure how I'm going to move forward, but at least I feel like I'm staring myself in the face with a slightly clearer picture of what is left of me with all these things stripped away.

This certainly was a long post, though I think I wrote it for myself as opposed to share with an audience. If you've read this far, thanks for joining me on my journey :)

First Young Life

Tonight was our first Young Life club of the year. Daniel spoke and shared the story about the first YL club he ever attended as a 14 year old high school freshman. For the record the first club Daniel attended happened to also be the first club I ever attended as well. That's kind of crazy! He told the story about having no idea of what Young Life actually was, but going because Joey and Justin "told" him he was going. He had a great time and couldn't have known how much Young Life would go on to impact and change his life. Here he was tonight 13 years later and he has continued attending YL club each week for each of those 13 years. Me too. How could we have known at the time what the future had in store for each of us and for us together and how Young Life would be right at the center of it.

He talked about some of the songs we sang at club back in 1997 and kids started calculating how old they were at the time. One of my sophomores Aly said, "I was 3." Woah. Yes I felt old and all of that, but it also planted a cool thought in my head. When I was 16 and experiencing my first YL club, Aly was just a toddler. 13 years later I would go on to become her YL leader. Back in 1997 I never envisioned myself as someone who could lead other people (especially when it came to anything having to do with God or religion) and be the one running the show up front. But here I am doing just that. I wonder how many kids in the room tonight will go on to continue this cycle. I wonder how many 3 year olds are out there who will eventually make their way into a YL club. It makes me think about the thousands of "kids" who have gone before me since 1941 when this whole Young Life thing started. It's quite the legacy. I love that I'm a part of something with so much history, tradition, and significance. We are all members of something much bigger than ourselves and much more profound than the fish people had to "dive" for during the dive for fish game we played at my first club and much more profound than the Justin Bieber song we sang tonight. But the fish and the songs are part of our legacy too, that of silliness, play, fun, and life. I have such pride in belonging to this organization...and a lot of great friends and memories.

The Oatmeal Gospel

We had our annual MuckFest for Young Life tonight and it remains in my Top 5 favorite ways to spend 45 minutes. It's awesome and encapsulates so much of what I love about high schoolers and the "me" I want to be. I know when we started doing the event a few years ago that we had a purpose/strategy. It was a means to an end. I think it had something to do with a fall kickoff and spreading the word about starting up our weekly club meetings. I'm sure it still does this, but even if it didn't I think we should still keep doing it. I'd be perfectly happy if it were the end in and of itself. And that end being a night to just play.

The night is basically a giant food fight. The second portion consists of the 4 teams attacking each other first with flour bombs, then shaving cream, and finally oatmeal. Like I said it's awesome. When's the last time in your adult life that you've cupped your hands together in an attempt to hold as much oatmeal as you can before smashing it into your friends face, hair, nose, ears, and anywhere else you please (for the record I learned tonight that down the pants is a fun option). When's the last time you had a rubbermaid tub of gluey, heavy, slimy oatmeal dumped on top of you to the chorus of shrieking freshmen girls? Have you thrown an onion at your husband recently? Have you whipped noodles of spaghetti at the back of someone's head in the past few months? I think there's something very magical about this kind of "letting loose". I think I will remain a YL leader because nights like this are a spiritual experience for me. I know I'm not the only one, but if I told many people this they would think I'm crazy because I think oatmeal and shaving cream in your ear are a thing of beauty.

I think we'd all be better off if we played like kids every once in awhile. (And not relied on alcohol as an excuse to act silly. I think we can play without it too.) I was talking to a friend this weekend and commenting about how as I get older I am drawn to people who are 1. laid back and 2. positive. I wish I were more laid back and I wish I were more positive, so I love being around people like that as they bring it out more in me. My peers can be so negative. A casual hang out with my friends can turn into a b@*#% fest within the first 5 minutes. (If you're my friend and you're reading this I'm not talking about you. My blog readers are only the most lovely of company to keep. wink, wink) I leaned over to Daniel tonight and said, "I think one of the reasons I like hanging out with high school kids so much is because they're so positive." He remarked, "Oh yeah, they're just excited about life." Yes they are. Everything is new and exciting. They're not cynical or jaded yet. One of their biggest concerns is having fun. They don't look at a tub of oatmeal and cringe with disgust, but instead see the possibilities and potential for fun and dive right in. I want to hang out with oatmeal people. I want to be an oatmeal person. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch because it would be too much trouble to wash the oatmeal out of my hair. I want to be an oatmeal person.

Best Summer Ever

This summer has been filled with more classic, nostalgia soaked adventures than I've had in all the years since high school. (Cause let's face it...nothing beats high school summers. Well except maybe childhood summers, but I remember feeling really bored as a kid during the summer months, so maybe not.) Anyway, all of my favorite memories from this summer, the ones I would label as adventures, all include swimming for some reason. The first was our "adult sneak out" at Castaway. The second was a swim in the creek with my YL girls. And tonight is the third: a swim in Lake Winnebago while stranded in the dark because the pontoon ran out of gas. Allow me to explain.

After hanging out at our house tonight, Jaycie ,a soon-to-be sophomore, invited us to her house for a ride on her pontoon. I, with my affinity for water related adventures, jumped at the invitation. Our group quickly dwindled to me, Jaycie, and Nick (another sophomore in waiting) but none of us seemed to mind. With the threat of running out of gas, we opted for a slow pace in order to preserve our reserves. It was perfect. Touring around the silent lake atop the stillest of waters looking at the houses lit up by the glow of lamps and televisions. We were completely alone on the water. Nick accidentally dropped a buoy into the water and I volunteered to go in after it. Jaycie killed the engine and I jumped into the warm water to retrieve the buoy. I swam back to the boat and we attempted to continue our trip around the lake only Jaycie couldn't get the engine started back up. It sputtered a little but wouldn't turn over. "Out of gas," she calmly announced. She called her parents to come and tow us back home. Her non-chalance over our predicament made me feel like this was a common occurrence.

"Well, we might be awhile if you guys want to swim," she said. Nick and I didn't need any more permission than that and we promptly jumped in. We treaded water in the dark summer night laughing and telling stories and wishing there were more stars like the way it was in Colorado at Young Life camp. Joy wraps itself around me in moments like these, but tonight's wasn't a hyper, exciting kind of joy, but rather a quiet, strong, and peaceful contentedness.

Our rescue crew approached and we climbed back aboard our stranded vessel. Even the tow home was pleasant. Jaycie's parents didn't seem to mind having to come rescue us, even when her dad tested the engine and discovered that we weren't in fact out of gas, but rather Jaycie just seemed to be a little confused as to how to start the engine. No harm, no foul.

When I came home I posted as my facebook status that I had had a fun night on the lake with Jaycie and Nick. Within a few minutes they had both commented on my status with the equivalent of a "ditto". We didn't need a big crowd or profound conversation to have a meaningful night, but just each other's company in a simple and beautiful setting. Chap Clark, an expert on adolescent culture, is absolutely correct when he said kids just want and need adults to be present and available in their lives. Parents are a vital presence, but kids also benefit from a secondary adult presence as well. As a Young Life leader I have a platform to do this, to just "show up" with no agenda and no strings attached. The kids tonight obviously appreciated it, but I don't know if anyone tonight had more fun than I did. So maybe me, the adult, needs kids in my life just as much as they need me, maybe just for the sole purpose of teaching me how to enjoy life's little adventures as life's most beautiful moments.

A Glorious Return

I'm back after a bit of a blogger hiatus. I broke the one rule of my blog (to post everyday for a year) multiple times while on assignment at Castaway and then the entire week while at Crooked Creek, plus a few days since I've been back. And guess what? I feel just fine about it! This says a lot considering my perfectionistic tendencies. I think I'm really making progress. Who knew that in order to conquer the demanding perfectionist inside me I had to break some of my own rules?

Thanks to some prodding/encouragement from Greg and Kate, I'm making my grandiose return. It helped me to return knowing that there are at least two people out there awaiting a new post. So here you go you two :)

I think part of my hesitation in return to writing has been deciding what to kick off with. I just spent a whirlwind 5 weeks at camp full of meaningful experiences and funny stories. My first instinct is to reflect on those moments and share many of my hilarious photos in order to preserve the month along with the rest of this year's happenings. However, life keeps moving and I have traditionally written in the present tense about what is occurring on a day to day basis. Today was my last day at my job and tomorrow I embark on the journey of unemployment (i.e. plenty of writing fuel for a blog dedicated to failure). So what is one to do? As Anne Lamont says via my wise sage of a friend Tenelle, "Just keep writing." So I'm back and it may feel disjointed, but here goes.

So with most camp experiences, a return home from Young Life camp carries with it the coming-down-from-the-mountaintop-syndrome. Camp gives one a glimpse of God's Kingdom come, life as it should be, things set right, heaven on Earth. Thus the return to the "real world" can bring with it some disillusionment. I'm trying to combat this I'm-back-home-letdown by keeping the adventure of camp alive. God is just as active in the trenches (or more often monotony) as he is on the mountaintop; sometimes it's just me who needs to learn to recognize his presence. So one small thing me and my cabin of girls from camp are doing is having weekly "adventures".

They really took the reigns on planning the first one and took me to their creek. This was exactly what I had in mind when I suggested the concept of adventure. They led the way through the neighborhood cutting through back yards as we made our way to the trail. Just 2 minutes into a tiny forest in the midst of suburban sprawl, we stumbled upon the creek. We walked with the current in the ankle deep and sometimes shin deep waters. There were uphill cliffs to our left and slate and stone breaking in perfectly cut sheets on the shore to our right. At one point we scurried in our flip flops to the bank as fast as we could after spotting a skinny little snake swimming in front of us only to find its much larger companion sunbathing on the rocks beside us. Merrilee threw a rock at it and we shuffled downstream.

The girls had made this trek many times before and their expertise showed as they skipped from rock to rock never faltering once despite the slippery moss covering each surface. I kept saying aloud and to myself, "I can't believe this place is real." I felt as though I had been transplanted to the deep south, to some small town or rural farm. Even more so I felt as though I had been transplanted back in time. Here I was reliving the emotions of my childhood as we explored the woods and lake in my neighborhood back in Iowa. We would walk the length of the railroad tracks and on rare occasions actually cross the tracks and explore the forest on the other side. I think this sense of exploration and adventure are part of our human make up and not common just to outdoorsy types. I am the farthest thing from outdoorsy and my brave guides are by no means tomboys; rather two of them are cheerleaders, one is a graceful swimmer and lifeguard, and there's even a ballerina in the bunch. Exploring the "crick" is part of the common human experience.

Just when I thought our trip couldn't get any better we came upon the swimming hole. The girls discarded their flip flops and Joslyn positioned herself on the edge of the rocks. Without a moment's hesitation she flung herself into the murky waters. She signaled that the water was nice and deep, appropriate cannon ball depth, and the rest of us followed. One by one we launched off the rocks in our tshirts and shorts. What is it about swimming in your clothes that makes any experience more magical? We scaled the miniature waterfall and climbed back onto the ledge, throwing ourselves off again and again. Amanda giggled as I emerged after my third cannonball and said, "Your face was hilarious." I'm sure it was. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun and I'm sure my face showed it.

Today was indeed my last day at work and I've been so confused not only in how to feel but in what to do. Do I mourn? Do I panic at the onset of unemployment? Do I celebrate? I'm still not sure. But I do know that I had a simple, beautiful, and magical experience today with some of my high school girls. That's what Young Life has been for me and all I could ever hope for, so I think my last hours on staff were spent just as they should be: swimmin' in the crick in my tshirt and jean shorts with some kids. Who could ask for anything more?

An Ending and a Beginning

My bags are packed and my alarm is set for an early morning. Sadly my month at Castaway is over. Tomorrow I will hop on a flight to Denver and head to yet another YL camp, Crooked Creek, for a week with my kids from Lee's Summit. I have my airline ticket, but the shuttle service I was going to book with is now showing they are unavailable. I'll call customer service first thing in the morning, but maybe I won't be making it to camp afterall. I guess the adventure begins...right? Or the travel nightmare.

The Many Smells of Camp

As I was getting ready for bed tonight I was hit by many different smells/odors all generating from my person. My hair smells like the camp fire that was extinguished just prior to my turning in for the night. My feet smell from going sockless day in and day out in my Sperrys (mixed with a little Hogan family stinky feet syndrome as diagnosed by my brother in law). My cardigan smells of dirt and is still covered with remnants of burrs from my gaunt in the brush covering the cliff where I lost my frisbee during a round of golf. And last but not least, though this one may be in my head, I could swear my jeans smell a little fishy from their late night swim in the lake last week.

When these smells combine I may be a pretty stinky person, but they are all sweet reminders of a simple and beautiful day at camp.

Week One

Here are some of my favorite pictures from our first week here at camp.

There's No Other Place I'd Rather Be

I cried three times today. In public. And hard. Really, really hard. The second time should be described more accurately as weeping rather than mere crying. But when it comes to God and especially while at YL camp, crying always signifies joy or poignancy or being overcome by the beauty of the moment. Crying is a good thing here. It's been a long time since I've experienced moments like I've had the past few days. I've only been here since Saturday and I'm already feeling caught up in the grandeur of what God is doing in the lives of not only the campers but in the lives of those of us running the camp itself. Our camp director and fearless leader Ray would call this the "camp within the camp". I dare say that the ministry that is happening between the staff and other peers is just as powerful as that that is occurring with the campers themselves. I don't feel conflicted about this at all though we are here to host camp for the students. I don't feel guilty about this ministry amongst the "camp within the camp" because it is a picture of the Gospel too. Our faith doesn't culminate at the moment we meet God rather that is simply the beginning of a lifelong and eternal journey. A conversion experience or whatever you want to call it can be extremely powerful. It was for me. My initial response God and the beginning of my faith in a lot of ways completely changed who I was. However, after 11 years I have had a handful of experiences that have been just as powerful and in some cases even more life altering than my initial interaction with God.

I think this is how it should be. I think the start of a relationship with God, just like in any relationship, should be only the beginning. Of course we should grow deeper as we mature, gain wisdom, and "get to know each other better". I would hope that I am more in love with Daniel after sharing 30 or 40 years with him than I was after just our first year together. It's the same with God. The longer I know him, the deeper the places he will take me. After 11 years I have to say that he is taking me to some deep deep places I never could have comprehended even existed back then at the start. Days like today where I sensed his pride and joy for our work staff. Days like today where I can't even sing along to the verse "He loves us, Oh how He loves us" because I'm so moved I can't contain my sobs. Days like today where I can't even tell a story that happened two years ago without crying because the power of it is still fresh and the effect on the people involved is lasting even 2 years later. I stood during that worship song and thought, "There's nowhere else I'd rather be right now." There's no vacation or party or experience that holds more appeal than being here with these people doing this together right now. I am so grateful.

Day 1

I'm here. After 10 hours, one of which was spent driving around Kansas City just trying to make it out of town in spite of the road closures from the Hospital Hill run, we arrived in Detroit Lakes, MN my home for the next month. I got "the big room". With two large closets this is literally a foreign experience compared to all my other stays at camp where I am typically living out of my suitcase because the cubbies in our bunk are all taken. Sometimes for our week long trips to camp I have even slept on a mattress on the floor. Needless to say my queen bed feels ginormous. I am giving one of my closets to my neighbor Kate whose accommodations are more quaint than mine.

There are 10 kids all under the age of 5 here. The cutest kid contest has begun and I am measuring baby Nick's gorgeous eyes against Logan's sweetness and Raef's dragon-slaying skills. It is full on baby-palooza with some fierce competition in the cute race.

Campers won't arrive until Tuesday which seems like days and days away. It won't feel real until the camp is full of swimsuit laden teenagers walking up from the beach and frisbees flying at my head as I accidentally interrupt rounds of frisbee golf. In the meantime all the staff is getting to know one another. The group of younger girls ended up congregating on my bed chatting and giggling before bed, so we're started off exactly how I'd hoped. One of my favorite parts of working at camp is the late night giggle fests (like the night 4 years ago when Jeff and Daniel tried to catch the gigantic raccoon by luring him with an orange). I'm already anticipating the memories I will return home with from this month. I can't wait to see what's in store. And best of all Daniel will be making an appearance after all. Thankfully some scheduling issues were worked out and he'll visit me for a few days at some point. I can't wait!

Bittersweet

The first week of June I leave for my month long assignment working at Young Life's Castaway in Detroit Lakes, MN. I'm super excited to spend my last month on staff at the camp that started it all for me. 11 years ago I went to Castaway as a camper and heard the Gospel for the first time. Let me say in the biggest understatement that it changed my life completely. As a result, though Young Life owns over 40 camps just in the US, Castaway will always remain as a sort of mecca for me.

The one downside, and though it's the only downside, is pretty significant. I will be a part from Daniel for the entire month. This will be an interesting experience for the two of us. I'm very excited to live on the lake and experience all the great and powerful aspects of camp day in and day out, but I'm also pretty bummed that Daniel won't be there to share it with me. He was there with me 11 years ago as a camper too. We also worked there for a month 4 years ago while we were engaged. His absence will make this time around a lot different. This situation is the definition of bittersweet.

The Joy and Loss of Graduation

Yesterday we watched our YL kids graduate from West and then volunteered at Project Grad (an all-night event for the graduating seniors). I knew there was going to be a hypnotist there and was more excited about that than anything else. Some of the moms knew of my excitement, so they relieved us from our post early so we could be sure to catch the entire show. It did not disappoint. After I stopped being cynical and was completely convinced of its authenticity, I was giddy with laughter and amusement. A few of the kids we know well were up front as volunteers. Knowing them so well helped me to realize how genuine their performances were. The highlight for sure was an exchange between one kid who believed himself to be a Martian only capable of speaking Martian-ese, our YL kid Hartzell who thought himself the interpreter, and a girl who performed sign language translating the conversation.

As the hypnotist spoke into his cordless mic that was mounted on a neck brace harmonica style (I still have no idea why he didn't use a more discreet lapel mic, but to each his own), he asked the audience for volunteers and though these kids just completed the rite of passage into adulthood of high school graduation, they jumped up and down raising their hands like an elementary class of eager students. As the selected volunteers up front went deeper and deeper into their trance, they seemed more and more vulnerable...and innocent. It was kind of weird to watch as I witnessed normal adolescent guards and walls of protection disintegrate. I don't know if any of the other adults in the room noticed this lack of hardness and tough too-cool exterior. They were just kids being kids. And after this summer they'll be thrust into the next season of life. For some this season will include college and for others the work force, both pseudo adult worlds, but certainly more adult than high school. Daniel always comments on this fact that just because they turn 18 and graduate high school, we throw them into college and treat them like they're adults while they're still just kids in many ways. I think he's very right and we need to do a better job of shepherding these young adults during this time of transition.

When I wasn't giggling at the shenanigans taking place on stage, I was looking around the room at the faces of the other graduates. They were craning their necks while sitting indian style on the floor trying to get a better view of the volunteers. They too appeared younger and more innocent while congregated on the floor. I recognized a lot of the faces. We got the pleasure of getting to know a lot of them very well through Young Life. The senior guys were the group Daniel has been focusing on over the last three years, so many of them have sat in our living room on the very couch I sit on now while typing away. They will return to our house over the years and remain life long friends and always old Young Life kids even as they grow into their 20's. Some of the other faces I had never seen before. We only have a handful of leaders and do our best to meet as many kids at West each year as we can, but we can never meet them all. The faces that made me sad were the ones that I used to know. These are kids who I got to know their freshman and sophomore years and for whatever reason, lost touch with. This happens every year and graduation is always a bit of a bittersweet experience for this reason. Graduation can feel so final. And I'm not sad because I think kids are hopeless without Young Life. Most of them will be just fine. They have churches, families, and friends who love them and will continue to care for them. I'm sad because their names are written in my journal making up prayer lists of kids I'd like to get to know better. Most of their names stayed on that get-to-know-better list though and never moved to the more specific lists where I was invited into their lives to pray for things like being dumped, going through their parents' divorce, or celebrating making Varsity. I'm sad because I always feel like I missed out on sharing four years with another funny, sweet, talented, great kid. What's ironic is that some of the kids who we lose touch with over the years are the ones who I'll hear "hate Young Life" now or are annoyed by YL leaders. If only they knew that their names are written in my journal and that I prayed for them as they walked across the graduation stage and that I regret never getting to share some of high school's most precious moments with them.

Solar Babies Reunion Tour

Next Wednesday the Solar Babies will reunite for one night only. What are the Solar Babies you ask? Well it's only the name of our band! Well sort of. Every year Daniel and I lead the music for the end of the year All Kansas City Young Life club for all the metro school districts. Over the years we've had a handful of different folks help us out by playing bass, drums, etc. Nothing can beat last year's group though; we asked our friends Jordan and Aaron to help us. Solar Babies happens to be the name of a very obscure movie Jordan is a fan of and also the perfect name for a band, thus we were born.


I have rock star fantasies just like everyone else and once a year All City is my one chance to really indulge this dream. We get to play our favorite top 40 hits for as many as 500 high school kids for a giant sing along. Daniel and the boys have experienced this before because they have actual musical talent and have played in bands before. Jordan is actually quite the musician and is currently a member of Soft Reeds. (Sidenote: I was singing a new song at church one time and really liked it only to see the credits come up on the last slide where Jordan was credited. It's a pretty intimate experience to worship to a song written by your friend.) Despite my lack of any real musical ability, I can still live out my rockstar persona in this venue because no one can really hear me anyway.

Back in college when I was first leading Young Life, all the girl leaders were on a rotation to provide the female voice during songs at club. When my first night was up I hid in the storage closet when club began so that they'd have to start without me and replace me with someone else more willing. After club everyone asked where I had been and I fessed up to my extreme performance anxiety and was excused from any further musical obligation. You see I was in the gifted program during elementary and middle school, and the program's curriculum took the place of my music class. So most everyone else is used to singing in front of other people because they had to do it all through school every time they had a vocal test. I never had to do this and it became one of those things that became scarier the more and more removed from it I became.

So how did I go from keeping company with the broom and mop in the darkness of the storage closet to singing in front of 500 people? Later on in college when working at a Young Life camp I was approached by the camp director to provide the female voice for club each night. I was too flattered and afraid to say no, so I faced my fears and got on stage each night for one month that summer. Fear conquered. And now I LOVE it.

So come check out the Solar Babies reunion tour appearance next week. It's gonna be an awesome show.

A Night to Remember

Hip hip hooray for new followers! Again, thanks to everyone who reads. I can't explain to you how encouraging it is to receive texts and emails from people who say that they've been reading. Your participation validates my experience somehow and takes it beyond just an online journal to a communal experience. I don't know how this works, but it makes my experience more powerful to know that you're sharing it with me. Thank you!

So tonight I got the opportunity to volunteer at the coat check for West's prom. I try not to take these experiences for granted because how many adults can relive such authentic, nostalgic experiences like prom. Because of working for Young Life, I get a front row seat for classic, all-American traditions and rites of passage like state football, choir concerts, and school dances. Can you remember your own prom? Your date? Your tux or dress? Where you ate? Limo or Uncle Larry's borrowed Mercedes? Last song? After party?

Prom hasn't changed much over the years. Sure the DJ plays different songs and the styles of dresses and suits changes a little over time. But in a lot of respects kids are the same as they were "back then". Some are excited for the chance to get all dressed up and come the closest they can to imitating what it is to be an adult. Some kids know they're supposed to go and so they participate in all the traditions and try to have fun despite feeling completely awkward in a series of foreign situations. And then others sit at home; some perfectly content ignoring the event completely and others longing to be there, wishing they'd been asked or had someone to ask, wishing they'd been a part of all the pomp and circumstance.

The rainbow of sherbet colored dresses paraded by my station. The rhinestones sparkled on their straps, shoes, and hair barrettes. The guys discarded their jackets at the coat check without regard for their already wilting boutonnieres. The flowers just serve as a type of clock indicating the impending stroke of midnight where the charade will be over, the carriages will turn into pumpkins, and these debutantes and princes will turn back into kids.

Adolescence is a crazy, confusing, uncomfortable, and yet still magical time of life. Prom is a microcosm of those years; old enough to desire all the aspects of adulthood, but too young to actually understand what that entails. It's a beautiful time (aside from all the acne. Though I'm 28 and still struggling with bad skin, so maybe that's just a symptom of my delayed adolescence).

A Heart Party

Wyld Life is the middle school version of Young Life. We have our middle school events on Saturday nights and were supposed to have one last night. The high school age leaders showed up at 6:15 to set up and prepare. They talked through games and skits and braced themselves for the onslaught of an expected 30 crazy middle schoolers. At about 7:30 with still no one showing up, we accepted the fact that no one was coming. What appeared to be a failure, actually created an opportunity for one of the best Wyld Life/Young Life stories I've ever heard. This is totally Chicken Soup for the Soul quality.

Claire and Katy, juniors in high school and Wyld Life leaders, joked about what they were going to do with their open Saturday night since club wasn't happening.Little did they know that God had something very special in store for them. Katy got a call from a high school friend whose little sister was having a birthday party. This little sister comes to Wyld Life and adores Katy. She was really upset because only a handful of friends had showed up for her party. Maybe this story means a lot to me because I know what it's like to have no one show up for a party (see here). And maybe Katy and Claire were feeling especially sympathetic because they had just hosted an event where no one came either. The girls rallied on behalf of this middle school birthday girl and gave her a night to remember. They picked up some balloons and headed over to the party. If you haven't hung out with middle schoolers in a few years, let me just tell you that in their minds, high school kids are like gods. So in walk these two cool, popular, pretty high school girls bearing gifts and smiles. They interacted with the other guests and the birthday girl and before they knew it, tears were replaced with laughter. They helped bring redemption to what could have been a miserable night. So what was a failed night of Wyld Life, actually became a night of much more powerful ministry than what normally takes place at an event.

THIS is why I do Young Life. Claire and Katy are two of my own girls who are now living out the Gospel on their own. They are bringing life and beauty and joy to people who need it. I have never been more proud.

I am getting teary eyed as I write this because I just realized they threw a Heart Party. The Heart Party story is one of my all time favorites. It makes me cry every time I hear it or even just think about it. I hesitate to write about it because I fear I cannot do it justice, but if you can catch even a glimpse into its glory then it will be worth it. Two summers ago on a YL camp trip our speaker Steve told this story about his daughter. She was young and as she was developing they observed some strange behavior. Doctors suggested signs could point towards autism. So Steve and his wife braced themselves for a life of difficulty for their daughter. They envisioned the challenges and grieved the loss of a "normal" life for her. When Valentine's Day rolled around, she started to notice all the decorations for sale at stores and inquired about the holiday. She quickly decided that she wanted to throw a heart party. Her parents consented and she began the preparations. She began cutting tiny hearts out of every spare piece of paper around the house. The stack of invitations grew larger and larger as the days went by. Cut out paper hearts and crayon scribbled hearts were strewn atop the table awaiting the fateful day.

Steve describes being nervous about the Heart Party. Her hopes were so high, but who was going to come? Two little girls from church agreed to join both his daughters at the party. They arrived that afternoon and were less than enthusiastic. All of Steve's fears hit him across the face. Was this what his entire daughter's life was going to be like? Awkward interactions? Kids of friends being forced or bribed to be kind to her? And then something happened...there was a knock at the door. Who was it? They weren't expecting anyone. They went to answer the door and there waiting on the doorstep were three college guys who were YL leaders with Steve. "Is there a Heart Party here? We're looking for a heart party!" They busted through the entry way and joined the party. For the next few hours these three guys help to make the Heart Party one of the most beautiful experiences in Steve's family's life. They told jokes, they cheered, they gave piggy back rides around the living room. All the girls had a great time. Where there was awkwardness, they brought ease. Where there was fear in the hearts of parents, they brought assurance that no matter what lie ahead for this daughter, they would be there to support, to laugh, and to celebrate.

Steve describes this as bringing Shalom, an all encompassing peace and wholeness uniting all of us. Claire and Katy brought Shalom last night. Those college guys brought Shalom. These stories bring Shalom to my life even though I wasn't actually there. Whatever you want to call it, it is the Gospel in action, and it is beautiful.

Kindred Spirits

I am in Chicago at a Young Life training to prep for my summer assignment where I will spend a month working at one of our camps: Castaway. There's almost 20 of us here meeting together, all from the midwest, all on Young Life staff. I know a lot of them, but certainly not everyone. We've only been here a few hours, but I've already laughed till I cried at least 3 times. Young Life staff is a unique job and a unique call. It's a great job, but really, really challenging at times. So when you put a bunch of YL staff in a room together, there an unspoken understanding. We are kindred spirits. We may not all know each other officially, but we know each other better than some of our friends outside of the YL world will ever know us. And part of that knowing is knowing how to make each other laugh. The comfort and ease in relationships is almost instantaneous. I found myself telling stories and divulging embarrassing tales to strangers. For example I shared in front of the entire group that one of the couples who owned our house years ago grew marijuana in the basement with plant lights. It's a long story. Don't ask how it came up; I swear it was relevant.

We are accumulating inside jokes by the minute. If this kind of camaraderie has developed after one night together, I can't imagine what our month together at Castaway will be like. My June assignment is part of my farewell tour from YL staff and I think I'm going to go out to the sound of lots and lots of laughter.

You Know You Work for Young Life When...

You know you work for Young Life when rollerskating counts as work.

Last night we kicked it at the roller rink y'all! High school kids love the novelty of rollerskating and are not too cool like some adults are to actually do it. I probably skate at least once or twice a year for Young Life. It should be in my job description; ooh which means I can put it on my resume. I think future employers will definitely be interested in that skill set.

I have rollerskated as much as a Young Life leader as I did as an elementary school kid. This statistic does not factor in all the rollerskating that was done in my garage as a kid though. On occasion my parents were kind enough to park their cars in the driveway and let us kids have the smooth paved garage floor all to ourselves. I remember many skating exploits that included my white skates with hot pink wheels and matching laces and a graphic unicorn on the side. We got to bring our boombox with us and play our cassette of The Little Mermaid soundtrack. The poles between car stalls were perfect for graceful spins in order to perform our improvised routines. Oh blessed childhood.

I was free from falls last night, but did wake up with a very tight calf muscle in my right leg. Rollerskating at age 28 may mean I need to start stretching before and after hitting the rink.

That boy in the Larry Johnson jersey was NOT with our group if that gives you any indication of the unruly mob that we shared the rink with.

When I Grow Up

West had their Winterfest assembly today. I got to see this year's royalty be escorted in by friends and parents. A new king and queen were crowned (both kids I know well which always makes it sweet to watch). The dance team performed both of their state routines after winning the state title last weekend. Their jazz/combo routine was some of the most original choreography I've seen, especially at the high school level. It is an unbelievable dance, but hip hop routines always make me wish I was out there on the stage. Sitting in the audience I so badly wanted to go back to high school and do it over again. I had the thought, "If I could do it over, I would have danced." I chose soccer and the athletic route and never once considered taking dance when I was little. If only...

But then I remember my bucket list post from yesterday. I have now given myself an excuse to do all those things I've always wished I could do. Why is it that when we're younger we say, "Some day when I'm old enough I'll (fill in the blank)." And then when we're older it's, "If only I were younger, then I'd go back and (fill in the blank)." What are we supposed to be doing during the "in-between": thinking about what we would like to do or what we missed out on? NPR today kept advertising a story coming up featuring a 95 year old ballet dancer. (I first thought they said 95 year old belly dancer. Gross. No thank you.) But a ballet dancer! How beautiful.

So what have I missed out on that I just need to jump in and give a try? And what are my dreams that I've put on hold because I'm not old enough, don't have enough savings yet, etc, blah, blah, blah, excuse. It's okay to dream...about the past and about the future. I might look funny (i.e. the juxtaposition of a 28 year old white woman in the suburbs and hip hop), but it's worth it.

You Know You're Old When...

You know you're old when you cry during high school musicals.

Last night we watched West's production of A Chorus Line and Daniel and I both found ourselves choked up multiple times. Of course we are biased, but anyone who sees the show will tell you how well done it was. The kids on stage were fabulous, but I was struck by the back stage production as well. The lighting in particular was striking and created these beautiful stills of the dancers on the line.It is always special when some of the kids we know from Young Life are in the cast and last night there were a lot of them. I felt so proud of them when the spotlight was on each of them and was surprised by how emotional I became. Kelsey's big number came and she sauntered confidently singing about "this and that", the high school edit of the racier original lyric. She brought all her sass to the role referring to the other characters as "Honey". Kelsey hit her final note and luckily the applause picked up to cover the sound of me sniffling away. Hartzell, the Senior football player and track star, made his theater debut and I sat there wishing he would have started his stage career 4 years sooner so I could have enjoyed him in more performances. He brought his athleticism to the stage and his toe touch was higher than a lot of the girls'. And though known for his accomplishments in sports, he gave a sincere performance and showed he is just as great of an actor, dancer, and singer. Tyler, the veteran, didn't disappoint in his role as Don. And though he's always the first to break in the dance floor at the school dances, I'd never seen him dance like this. And he delivered in the comedy department as well, gesturing about a woman's large yahooz. And then there was the gorgeous Mandy as Judy. With her height, comedic sensibility, and honesty, she was born to play Judy. She looked stunning in her pink leotard and braided hair, but then when she opened her mouth to deliver her lines, she was quirky and silly and always got the laugh. I cried at the end of her number as well. The cast was filled with a lot of other familiar faces and incredible performances. Every member of the cast danced beautifully. You would have never known that most of them had never danced before. Someone observed it best by saying, "There wasn't a weak link in the whole group." Agreed. The final reprise of "One" while they each take their bow really made the lump in my throat rise and I was done for when the big backdrop lit up mid song illuminating those young kids in all their glory. The main reason I'm most drawn to high school ministry is because there is not another time in life that is so magical and mysterious and hopeful. For most of us, there is not another time in life where we'll have the opportunity to be on stage, to be the star, whether that's literally on a stage or on a court or athletic field.

As we slowly made our way out of the theater I told Daniel how old I must be getting because I can't get through many performances these days without crying at some point. I've cried at 2 of the 3 choir performances this year (Sam's solo pushed me over the edge). And I wept at the district finals of VOLLEYBALL! I got very close to the team this past fall and when they lost to our rival North in the finals, I couldn't contain myself when hugging the players after the game. All of the girls were crying themselves and asked me why I was crying and I didn't know what to say except that I loved them.

I know I'm married to the right person because when confessing my tears, he confessed his as well. He said he was just so proud and then mentioned what a mess we're going to be when we have kids of our own. Oh mercy, I can't even imagine.

Check out that gorgeous lighting! (Image from promo poster via facebook. Don't know who to credit for the shot. Anyone know?)

Photo taken by photographer Cyndi Morrow (and proud mother of Mandy/Judy).

Love in the Photo Booth

I tried to set up a photo booth for the party but the sheet I hung for the backdrop fell before we even took the first picture. Failure, but no one seemed to mind (as you can see below).