Googling Cancer

"Where your treasure is, there your heart is also." We can look to our checkbooks to see what's important in our lives. Where we spend our money can be indicative of what we value. We can see this by examining what and whom we invest in. I think the same idea can be applied to our search history. What and whom we google can be indicative of what is happening in our lives.

Google is such a dominant presence that we rarely even say "search" anymore, rather we use google as a verb. Grandmas say google. People foreign to the world of computers may not know what a search engine is but they somehow know what googling something means. Google is cute, colorful, quirky, clever. It is also the gateway to a plethora of knowledge and so though it may be cute and clever, when searching for information on tragic circumstances, it creates odd pairings such as "googling cancer".

What did you google today? I googled "tissue paper flowers" and "tissue paper pom pom tutorial". You know what my friend's mom googled last week? You got it! Cancer. We talked on the phone tonight and I sadly welcomed her to the "F*#@%ing Cancer Club". This is one of the worst clubs to belong to though its members are some of the most wonderful people.What other club exists that has such beautiful people making up its ranks but such sucky benefits? No one wants to be invited into this club. We despise our membership and reluctantly wear our ID badges reminding us of our forced participation in all the club's crummy activities. We seriously need a new social director because our calendar of extracurricular activities is comprised of chemo, radiation, surgery, and grief counseling. How come I can't find the times and locations for shuffleboard, arts & crafts, and bingo?

How come I have to welcome someone else into our ranks? Why does somebody else, another family full of good, nice, well meaning people, have to receive the news that they're the newest members? Why is there someone else out there now just trying to rewind back to the days before the diagnosis? Back when things were normal, even boring at times. Oh God I pray for the boring times to return, where life and death and hair loss and surgery aren't everyday topics of conversation. I pray for google searches of stupid, petty, and boring things. I never asked to be invited into this club, but me and my family are all accounted for at each membership meeting. I love the people here though. This group is strong and humble. War weary, but still standing. And you know what? Though reluctant WE wear our ID badges, they don't wear us. And you know what else? After the shock subsided and we stopped telling ourselves that, "No. Cancer isn't something that happens to people like us", we kept living. We are different and living in a new normal, but still very much living. And yes our google searches returned to the mundane. "Brain tumor" and "St. Judes" have been replaced by "tissue paper flowers" and other dumb, everyday-ness. There is still life in the midst of cancer. Our lives are composed of the whole range of experience: the good, the bad, the boring and the tragic. Just check my search history. You'll see; it's all there.