Project 365

I have some friends who have done the "a photo a day for a year" and love the idea. There are a lot of blogs and Flickr streams where you can view all sorts of folks' pictures from Project 365. I enjoy looking at people's streams who have already completed a year because it's so fun to look at a collection of images and see how they give a glimpse into one person's year of life.

So though I'm not taking on the challenge of a daily blog post again this year, I think I will try Project 365. I think it's doable since I'm not a perfectionist anymore and therefore have no problem with snapping a quick shot on my shotty camera phone. So here are my pictures from the first week of 2011.

1/1/2011- Daniel's birthday dinner at the new Leawood La Bodega. The private dining room was so cool and now I want to have dinner parties there every month just to sit in that awesome room. Good sangria and sweet friends. Here Daniel is pictured with friends Angela and Jonathan.

1/2/2011- Birthday dinner round two with Daniel's parents at Le Fou Frog. They all split a bottle of wine while I drank champagne and toasted to the best damn guy in town. Between the champagne and escargot I haven't felt so fancy in a long time. I split the seafood tower with my father-in-law and was thoroughly amused by the giant crab leg used in the presentation.

1/3/2011- We ended this night with a night of dancing to the Wii and the Michael Jackson Experience game. Couples who game together, stay together.

1/4/2011- Almost forgot to catch a glimpse into the day so I shot a picture of Toby and Penny in bed before we all fell asleep. I love Penny eyeing Toby.

1/5/2011- A shot of the pretty view of the Plaza at Christmas time. This was shot at the end of an event I helped with for work called Vendors, Venues, and a View. This week was full of job-related fun.

1/6/2011- This day had a tie for pictures to choose. It gives a nice glimpse into a typical lazy morning in the Cummings house. For some reason Daniel was playing "Baby Got Back" and told the dogs to have a dance party, so of course I jumped in. 10 minutes later Daniel shaved his mustache off after being "facial-haired" since this summer. It was a moment worth capturing.

1/7/2011- This stack of bridal magazines is my homework assignment for the new job I started this week working for a photographer. I love her, I love the job, and am really excited to see and work inside a new facet of the wedding industry. It was a wedding-filled week full of great interactions with people in the field. This shot sums up my optimism and excitement about my future and the opportunity to work alongside such great people in a fun industry.

Are you there world? It's me Hattie.

So my friend Bonnie showed me this fabulous feature on Blogger: the "stats" tab. Most of you who blog are probably already aware of this, but the info was all new to me. Here's what I want to know: who are the international readers who are visiting this blog. I have 227 views from South Korea, but that's an easy one. Why it's none other than the aforementioned Bonnie herself. But I don't know anyone in Russia or Canada. And we're not talking 5 or so random hits, but 87 from Russia and 74 from Canada. Then there's numerous views from Germany, Australia, China, and the UK. Not to be left out are a few visits from a Ukrainian and a Latvian.

Who are these people? If you're out there across an ocean please give me a sign you're there. And more importantly what is your story and how did our paths cross? Apparently in 2010 (ahem...2011), the term pen pals can take on a whole new meaning. Say what you will, social networking and globalization are incredibly fascinating phenomenons.

Tomorrow

Well here we are. December 31st. The last day of the year and the last post of "The Year of Living Imperfectly". How to finish? So much pressure. Well actually not. The Hattie of last year would have freaked out over a post like this. The opportunity to say something poignant, meaningful, and perfect would have overwhelmed me and thus I would have said nothing instead of trying and falling short. My conclusion to this year's blog experiment can be stated simply as: it worked.

I am not who I was a year ago. I am still troubled at times with an abnormal amount of anxiety, but I think I can honestly say that I am no longer a perfectionist or at least my perfectionism doesn't inhibit me anymore. I have learned that it really is better to try and fail than to never try at all. I realized I had 28 or 29 years worth of thoughts and emotions that I never voiced before. I had 28 or 29 years of desires and things to try that I was simply terrified to attempt at the risk of appearing foolish or worse...mediocre. This year I can proudly say that I wasn't quiet anymore. I expressed myself in new ways. For the first time I didn't sit on the sidelines. I got out on the field and joined the game. I lived. When I wrote the title of this blog the key word to me was "imperfectly". 365 days later the word from the title that jumps off the page at me is "living"! With the perfectionism broken I feel freedom to finally get on with the living part already!

I talked for over an hour yesterday with some dear friends about blogging. We discussed a lot of different things but one thing I shared was how having an audience was essential for my process because of the vulnerability, but that ultimately I have been writing for myself. The posts in which I found myself while writing conscious of my audience, attempting to appear witty or clever or even admirable, well those posts come off as disingenuous and insincere. The posts where I was most honest and "myself" got the bigger responses. This was a good phenomenon for me. It taught me that all people (my audience) are looking for from me is to be just myself and that who I am is good enough. I have loved having an audience. It is at the same time terrifying and comforting. The most encouraging things that were said to me this past year all had to do with a comment about something I had written. If you belonged to one of those comments, facebook messages, or emails I want to say thank you one more time. I have loved have a caravan of people join me on this journey. Thanks for traveling with me.

In answer to many of your questions, Yes I will continue to write. The year long project accomplished what I had hoped it would so I'm not going to attempt a daily post any longer. And let's be honest, if you needed any evidence that I'm no longer a perfectionist just look at how delinquent I was in my posting the past 3 months vs. the times I missed posts earlier in the year and beat myself up about it. I'm not sure what the blog will look like from here on out. I'm still finding my voice as I continue to find myself so I'm not sure how and if the subject matter may change. I think next week I'll be doing a "best and worst of" the year just to remember the journey and really reflect on how far we've come.

In the meantime I want to leave you with the lyrics from the refrain in a song we sang at the midnight Christmas Eve service this year that had me weeping. It is my prayer, though I think it may have already come true.

"Welcome to the end of your sorrows
Welcome to the end of yourself
Welcome to tomorrow
Where hope lives."

Could it be that I've finally woken up to my tomorrow? Could it really be true that I have left that yesterday and those things of the past actually in the past? I think so. Happy New Year and welcome to a beautiful tomorrow.

Full Circle

I fell asleep during It's a Wonderful Life right during the loss of the $8,000. So I woke up this morning to finish it. I must be becoming more of a crier in my old age because I don't ever remember getting so emotional during the final scene when all the townspeople come into the Bailey home dumping their money onto the table. And then Clarence's inscription in Tom Sawyer brought it all home for me in a very real way.

"Dear George:-
Remember no man is a failure who has friends.
Thanks for the wings.
Love,
Clarence"

We're coming close to the end of this "year of living imperfectly" and I think this truth is the perfect explanation of what I have learned this year. At the end of my life the thing I want to speak for me most is not my financial successes or business accomplishments but my relationships...my friends.

A Real Life George Bailey

My family loves It's a Wonderful Life. I remember our big Hogan family Christmases while growing up where the movie would be playing in the background and my dad and his siblings would just recite lines. This was during the beginning days of VHS...sidenote: I remember when we got our first VCR; the first movie we ever rented was Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (at least I think it was)...anyway, so I wasn't accustomed to people being so familiar with movies yet. You couldn't rent your favorite movie over and over again, let alone own it, so I considered their knowledge of the movie to be quite impressive. It seems kind of silly now, but I remember thinking it was a big deal. One year an It's a Wonderful Life book was gifted to someone in the family and it was passed around the house over the next few days. It had the script in it and I remember trying to read it so I could start to memorize the lines too.

It's a late night tonight at the Cummings house and since I'm alone and hoping to get cozy and nostalgic during this the week before Christmas, I popped in my copy of the beloved movie. I felt it worth blogging about not because of my fond childhood memories of it, but because of a poignant exchange between the angels at the beginning. At least it's poignant to me in light of recent adversity...

"You sent for me sir."
"Yes Clarence, a man down on Earth needs our help."
"Splendid! Is he sick?"
"No worse... he's discouraged."

No matter how difficult things may get, we mustn't lose heart. Troubles and sickness may befall us but we can stand in spite of them. Discouragement is far worse. Without hope of a future where things can be different, where we can be different, that is indeed far worse.

Just Me and the Computer

I just wrote for an hour and when I clicked "publish post" something strange happened and there was no post. There's an unpublished draft of the post that contains two sentences before the autosave feature became disabled somehow. It was a difficult post to write and ended with me apologizing for how confusing and nonsensical it may have been (what else is new with my posts as of late though). At the end I felt more clear about the issue though and I suppose that's all that matters. I think this is a sign I need to stop using this blog as my online journal as I've been spilling my guts in very non-articulate posts lately. So instead of rewriting the post (even if that were possible) I am simply going to re-post one of my very favorite pictures from this year.


I love my husband and I loved sharing my first karaoke experience on stage with him. We make a pretty good team. I have a few pictures that capture him laughing at me. I love these pictures because I love the rare occassions when I'm able to make him laugh. Life is good.

Firework

Please don't judge me but I'm about to make a slightly embarrassing confession. Katy Perry has a single out right now called "Firework". Perhaps you've heard it. I find it incredibly inspirational. Yes this comes from the same woman who had her break out hit with "I Kissed a Girl". I like Top 40 and a good dance beat behind anything is great. So circa 2004, I'm going to go all xanga on ya and post song lyrics. The high schooler in me is feeling so profound right now. But seriously I wanted to share the lyrics as they really do articulate how I'm feeling. Now just picture me in my car singing along and believing in myself again.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through