Full Circle

I fell asleep during It's a Wonderful Life right during the loss of the $8,000. So I woke up this morning to finish it. I must be becoming more of a crier in my old age because I don't ever remember getting so emotional during the final scene when all the townspeople come into the Bailey home dumping their money onto the table. And then Clarence's inscription in Tom Sawyer brought it all home for me in a very real way.

"Dear George:-
Remember no man is a failure who has friends.
Thanks for the wings.
Love,
Clarence"

We're coming close to the end of this "year of living imperfectly" and I think this truth is the perfect explanation of what I have learned this year. At the end of my life the thing I want to speak for me most is not my financial successes or business accomplishments but my relationships...my friends.

A Real Life George Bailey

My family loves It's a Wonderful Life. I remember our big Hogan family Christmases while growing up where the movie would be playing in the background and my dad and his siblings would just recite lines. This was during the beginning days of VHS...sidenote: I remember when we got our first VCR; the first movie we ever rented was Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (at least I think it was)...anyway, so I wasn't accustomed to people being so familiar with movies yet. You couldn't rent your favorite movie over and over again, let alone own it, so I considered their knowledge of the movie to be quite impressive. It seems kind of silly now, but I remember thinking it was a big deal. One year an It's a Wonderful Life book was gifted to someone in the family and it was passed around the house over the next few days. It had the script in it and I remember trying to read it so I could start to memorize the lines too.

It's a late night tonight at the Cummings house and since I'm alone and hoping to get cozy and nostalgic during this the week before Christmas, I popped in my copy of the beloved movie. I felt it worth blogging about not because of my fond childhood memories of it, but because of a poignant exchange between the angels at the beginning. At least it's poignant to me in light of recent adversity...

"You sent for me sir."
"Yes Clarence, a man down on Earth needs our help."
"Splendid! Is he sick?"
"No worse... he's discouraged."

No matter how difficult things may get, we mustn't lose heart. Troubles and sickness may befall us but we can stand in spite of them. Discouragement is far worse. Without hope of a future where things can be different, where we can be different, that is indeed far worse.

Just Me and the Computer

I just wrote for an hour and when I clicked "publish post" something strange happened and there was no post. There's an unpublished draft of the post that contains two sentences before the autosave feature became disabled somehow. It was a difficult post to write and ended with me apologizing for how confusing and nonsensical it may have been (what else is new with my posts as of late though). At the end I felt more clear about the issue though and I suppose that's all that matters. I think this is a sign I need to stop using this blog as my online journal as I've been spilling my guts in very non-articulate posts lately. So instead of rewriting the post (even if that were possible) I am simply going to re-post one of my very favorite pictures from this year.


I love my husband and I loved sharing my first karaoke experience on stage with him. We make a pretty good team. I have a few pictures that capture him laughing at me. I love these pictures because I love the rare occassions when I'm able to make him laugh. Life is good.

Firework

Please don't judge me but I'm about to make a slightly embarrassing confession. Katy Perry has a single out right now called "Firework". Perhaps you've heard it. I find it incredibly inspirational. Yes this comes from the same woman who had her break out hit with "I Kissed a Girl". I like Top 40 and a good dance beat behind anything is great. So circa 2004, I'm going to go all xanga on ya and post song lyrics. The high schooler in me is feeling so profound right now. But seriously I wanted to share the lyrics as they really do articulate how I'm feeling. Now just picture me in my car singing along and believing in myself again.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

The Nicest Rejection I've Ever Heard

I had yet another interview this past Friday which means I've had interviews almost every other Friday for the past month. Interviewing at a school on a Friday causes one unavoidable awkwardness: being necessarily overdressed. Fridays at schools are typically "casual Friday" and not business casual, but like "spirit-wear" casual (you know where you wear your favorite sweatshirt or track jacket with your school's name embroidered on the chest). Though I know "spirit-wear" Friday is upon me, I certainly can't show up not wearing a typical interview ensemble. So there I sit in my neatly pressed duds across from lovely administrators donned in denim and fleece smiling politely and pretending like I don't feel awkward at all.

Judging from the title of this post I'm assuming you've figured out by now that I didn't get the job. But I have to tell you this was one of the most encouraging experiences I've had in the past few months. Thanks to an inside tip from one of my references, I found out I was in the final 3 under consideration. After hearing that I told a lot of people that honestly even if I didn't get the job that I just really needed to hear that. After each interview I have no idea of how I did other than obviously not well enough to land the job. Which in my Debbie Downer little mind starts to assume that I did terribly, which now I'm realizing may not be the case.

I got the "no" call yesterday and hung up feeling better about myself than I did when I started the call. It was a 3-5 minute conversation praising me and my attributes and explaining why I didn't get the job. I hadn't ever had a why accompanying these other rejections and it was incredibly comforting information. The reality is that I was the only external candidate they interviewed and there were multiple internal candidates who were already doing the job I was interviewing for. With it being mid-school year they opted to go with someone who wouldn't require the training that I would. He even mentioned that I should stick with it if this is something I really want to do because if it were summer time they would have really considered me for the position. And then in a stroke of divine intervention he said multiple things that were really encouraging and answered some of the lingering questions that always seem haunt me after a rejection. He said everyone on the interview team was really impressed with me, that I didn't do anything wrong, that they wanted to keep my resume on file if anything opened up, that my references had glowing remarks and the kindest things to say about me. Though I was okay with not getting the job, the rejection phone call made me want to work there.

There was some relief in not getting the job. I would have needed to be there at 6:30am which meant with the commute and getting ready, I would have needed to wake up at 5:00 everyday. That would have meant a radical lifestyle change. The good news is I am pursuing another job that I am really excited about and is closer to the creative world and the work I hope to be doing in the long term. Be praying. I feel like I am very close to settling into my future.

I also really need to thank my two references Drew and Tom. I have applied for numerous jobs since July and have used Drew and Tom over and over again. If anyone has shared in the grueling process of finding a job with me it would be these two. They've answered phone calls, filled out surveys, and spoken my praises enthusiastically with each opportunity. I texted Drew the other day that I hoped to just settle in a job already to spare him the monotony of being my reference. So thank you so much for being my advocates!

Ongoing

I hate that I haven't finished strong in this the 4th quarter of this year long project. I just can't seem to muster up the desire to post each day. And yes as much as I've overcome perfectionism, irregular posting still bothers me. Maybe I'm just in a Debbie Downer mood. Today was a rough day and not because anything particularly difficult occurred. I felt like my old sick self. It felt/feels more like an episode or attack as opposed to just an undercurrent of anxiety though. It really caught me off guard. I still am not sure what I'm feeling anxious about. I sat and prayed and journaled to try and confront what was/is behind all of my tension and irritability. I can't put my finger on anything specifically. Maybe it's just a culmination of a bunch of little things. Maybe I just hit a wall in the midst of this ongoing season of uncertainty. I think the reason I'm documenting my feelings today is just to see that it's 12 months since I started this thing and bad days still come and go. There have been many fewer bad days than there used to be, but like many struggles, anxiety may be something that for me is managed as opposed to eradicated completely. Here's to a new day tomorrow.

How Girls Love

I wrote about Libby from Don't Waste Your Cancer a while back and have continued to follow her story. You should too. Well I hadn't seen this video back from September until just now. A bunch of her young friends decided that since Libby had to cut off her gorgeous hair as preparation for chemo, that they would cut theirs off too. There is something about a girl's hair that is really important to her, so most women, especially those who prize their longer locks, can understand what a sacrifice it feels like to chop it all off.

Ladies, if you're ready for a cry then watch the video. These are some loyal young ladies who have learned how to love fiercely in a way only women can. I wonder who they learned it from. I have a pretty good idea though :)