Oops

Penny sure is cute when she gets her haircut. However her groomer struggles a little. In order to save money on her frequent haircuts, her groomer is her dog-mom (i.e. me). This may have been the roughest cut I've ever given her. Item to add to the failure list: dog grooming. Please check out the pics below to observe one of her bald spots where I cut a little too close. She has about five of these bald spots total. Oops.

A Terrible Question

During a job interview last Friday one of the questions was, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" Five years would have been hard to answer and he's asking me about 10 years from now! I think my answer was something about doing weddings full time, have a few kids, and hopefully still be married. The still married comment made him laugh and he continued the joke so that was good that something positive came out of my awkward fumbling for an answer to a question I have no idea how to answer.

I haven't been in a place like this since my freshman year of college. It was my sophomore year that I decided I wanted to go on Young Life staff, so the three remaining years of school were spent wondering what area I would work for and who I would marry. These felt like major question marks back then, but I could have answered where I'd like to be in five years at least.

Since being called away from Young Life staff in January I have yet to figure out what I'm called into instead. Yes I'm pursuing event planning and LOVE working for the wedding coordination firm. I could see myself doing that for five years and possibly 10, but I'm not sure. Each wedding I've assisted on has been nothing but awesome and energizing, but I'm not even full time. What if in two years I'm doing it full time and decide maybe it's not for me? I think I'm fine with this possibility. I think I'm fine with these next few years being a question mark and a time of exploration of trying out different jobs. But some days I'm not fine with it. Part of me feels like my time is valuable and I should be using this time to build my resume and collect experiences and education that will qualify me and prepare me for my career. But for what career? Weddings? What if that doesn't work out? I have this fear that I'm going to be 35 when I decide what I really want to do only to find myself under qualified or behind everyone else applying for the same position who has been spending their time racking up the degrees and internships and work experience. Do I really have the freedom to explore and experiment during this season? Wasn't I supposed to be doing that during college?

I see this obligation to ambition come out when I'm coming up with answers to interview questions. I'm not sure future employers want to hear me answer the "what are you doing in 10 years" question with "I'm not sure". I don't think they want to hear that I'm just pursuing a job with them in order to earn an income. They want to hear that I am committing to them. That I'm sold out and passionate about them and being a part of their team. Maybe this comes from my time on Young Life staff where you have to be convinced that you wouldn't want to be doing anything else. Because when it gets hard, it's this conviction that keeps you going. It's not only the feeling that I should be preparing for a future career that's bothering me, it's the lack of call. I'm lacking some purpose and meaning. Maybe my call isn't work related. Maybe I'm just called to be a volunteer Young Life leader and called to be a faithful person and live well. Then work is just work and not my life's purpose.

I don't know how to answer the 10 or the five year question. And as much as I want to be okay with that, I'm freaking out a bit. I'm not much of a free spirit.

The F Word

I've been majorly slacking on the writing. I may write multiple posts today just to gain some ground back. Is that cheating? Worse things have happened.

I was working at the store the other night and a nice gentleman was asking for assistance...so I assisted. He was trying on sweaters and at one point asked, "Does this make me look gay?" I said, "Nooo?" The question mark was probably evident in my voice because the onslaught of my irritation with comments like this was about to overcome me. His response, "I don't want to look like a f*g. Not that there's anything wrong with that." (Just so you know f*g does not stand for fig.)

Was he kidding? Was an adult male in 2010 seriously using this word in the presence of a complete stranger? My response? I think I stayed as neutral as possible and politely went back to organizing a rack of clothes. He had no idea I was offended, went back to his dressing room, and later bought the sweater. No harm no foul...on his end at least.

There were so many things upsetting about this interaction. Allow me to start small. Being married to a man who works in retail and loves clothing, I am perhaps a little more sensitive to the stereotypes surrounding men who appreciate clothing. Having a handful of friends who are gay makes me sensitive to the stereotypes surrounding homosexuality. I just get annoyed by guys who are so uncomfortable shopping for clothes that they think to care about what you look like and to put any effort into your appearance means you're "gay". And then there's that stupid phrase trying to soften the blow, "Not that there's anything wrong with that." So you're just going to use "gay" as a derogatory term and then try to excuse it by saying that you don't have a problem with anyone being gay.

I hate the F word. When Young Life kids use it I jump on them. I can do that with kids. They're younger than me. I'm in a mentor/authority role. There's room to teach inside of moments like those. However in my workplace I felt powerless to say anything. He was a customer and that was not the place to confront such an issue. But inside I was pissed. I told Daniel about it and he was frustrated as well, "If he would have used the N word you could've kicked him out of the store." But we're just not there yet with the F word. The fact that he said such a hateful word with a smile was alarming. 1. God forbid you look like a gay man...oh the horror! and 2. You're going to put down an entire portion of the population and then dismiss your prejudice with "not that there's anything wrong with it." If you really believed that I don't think you'd speak that way or be so terrified of being viewed as gay because of wearing a sweater.

Not everyone has the benefit of having gay friends since we live in a pretty closeted society. Getting to know a few gay men and lesbians helps one to view them as people and not a political or religious "issue". When I saw Brokeback Mountain Daniel and I agreed it should be required viewing material for all Americans as a sort of sensitivity training. I'm sure people could read about my frustration with this man and say, "He doesn't know any better." I just think it's time for him to know better. You never know who you're hurting when you cling the excuse of ignorance. I have a little anxiety about this post as I try to avoid controversy and confrontation. But I think it's a shame that the use of the F word and treating homosexuals with respect, dignity, and common kindness is controversial at all.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween :) The shopping center I work at hosts trick or treating each year so I eagerly asked who at our store would be handing out the candy. Noticing my enthusiasm my manager gave me the job. It was awesome. For 2 hours of my work day all I had to do was stand at the front door and give candy to cute little costumed kids. Really feeling the spirit, I headed home after work and prepared to greet trick or treaters at our house...but not before humiliating my dog-children. That's Penny as a chicken and Tobes as a dinosaur (or dragon- it's kind of ambiguous).

By the way I think it's funny how you can tell I don't have a full time job by the way we celebrated our Halloween. Notice the size of our pumpkins? We get two each year (one for each of the dog-children). This year's are "pie" pumpkins from the produce department which means they are priced at only 2 for $5 as opposed to the larger carving pumpkins at 3 for $10. Penny's costume was one we picked up from Target last year during their post-Halloween clearance. Toby's was the costume we bought for him his first Halloween with us (before Penny joined our family that November). I wore my skeleton costume from last year since we were partying with people we didn't see last year when I first wore it. Recession living works great for us! We already have plenty of stuff we didn't need in the first place like a closest full of dog clothes. Seriously we had multiple costumes to choose from. These just happened to be two of the favorites.

Happy Halloween from our little family to yours. Next up: Thanksgiving!!!

Hyper Focused

Hello there. I took an unintentional 2 week hiatus from the blog, but am happy to be back. The reason for my absence? Hyper focus. "What is hyper focus?" you may ask. I may not be giving the completely accurate medical description of it, but here is what my experience has been whether or not I am using the term correctly.

A bi-product of my anxiety at times is obsessive fixation. The fixation for me is usually on an upcoming event or appointment, or on an item I would like to purchase. Hang with me. When the fixation is on an event, it's like I can't think about anything until the event has taken place. Mentally I feel like I can't move on with my life until that particular date has passed. All of my focus, energy, planning, preparation, and thoughts are spent on this one moment in time. For example if I am throwing a party, all of my free time is spent pondering all the aspects of what needs to get done. This sounds like it would make me really effective, like I am able to devote myself completely to tasks. Wrong. Even when I need to give my attention to other things or when I am relaxing or having a conversation with someone, all my mind is doing is thinking about the event. It is the complete inability to multi-task and a picture of an "all or nothing" disposition.

Allow me to explain the fixation on a future purchase since I know this may sound strange. I didn't realize I was doing this or that it was abnormal until a few years ago when Daniel politely asked me to stop talking about something I wanted. I'm not sure why I do this, but it may be a coping mechanism I've picked up to distract me from something that is making me anxious. I think I may get obsessive about things in order to avoid dealing with feelings of anxiety. For example I will see a furniture item or piece of clothing that I like and suddenly my attention is devoted to that item. I will spend time looking at it online, visiting it at the mall, and scheming of things I can sell in order to pay for the item. Crazy I know.

Well a lot of this hyper focus has been occurring over these last two weeks leaving me without much mental energy to write or blog. I should have been blogging because the exercise would have taught me some balance. Let me give you a picture of how this fixation can play out and give you some insight into the obsessive mind of a crazy person. I mentioned before that with wedding season coming to a close I am in need of a third job. Last week I was offered the opportunity to interview for a full time position at one of my current jobs. After laying awake that night unable to sleep and talking with Daniel, I realized that the job wouldn't be a good fit for me and just the thought of it was already causing me stress. The next day I turned down the interview and pulled myself out of the process. I found an opportunity with the school district working at an elementary school and applied for the job on Monday. With the anxiety brewing over turning down one opportunity and pursuing another, I was ripe for a potential fixation. Enter glitter flats. I found a pair of adorable gold glittery shoes. However they are at a store exempt from Daniel and I's collective retail discount (it's really hard to pay full price once you've been spoiled by discounts and when you're not making much money) and I already spent my clothing allowance for October (and am saving November's for a trip to Chicago). I visited the shoes one afternoon just to "check on them". I devised a financial plan of using some of our anniversary money to pay for them. They remained out of my grasp.

So on Monday after dropping off my application for the elementary school job, I went to DSW to see if they offered a more affordable alternative to the perfect shoes. They did in fact have a perfect substitute. They retailed for only $39.99 and were an additional 30% off making them in the neighborhood of $28. They didn't have my size so I had the store call their other locations to see if they had them in my size. They had them in Overland Park so I headed 25 minutes West to pick them up. When I got there I opened the shoebox with my little hold tag on them to much dismay. They were the wrong shoes. The store didn't even have the glitter flat. Slightly annoyed but still hopeful, I continued my search. I headed to their third location another 15 minutes away only to find an even more dismal selection. I stopped by Oak Park Mall for a hail mary attempt at locating the discounted shoes before making my long trek home. A few hours and a tour of Johnson County later, I made it home.

The next day I called DSW's Zona Rosa location. The woman on the other end of the phone said she had the shoes and in my size ready to hold them for me. I double checked and asked, "There the one's with glitter all over the entire shoe?" She confirmed and with Daniel in tow we drove 40 minutes North (through construction traffic) to pick up the shoes. I should have known. Not the right shoe, not even close to the right style, not the same brand. I mumbled and grumbled my way through the aisles of shoes venting to Daniel about the lady's complete incompetence. This is not like me, but these were glitter flats dammit! She apologized and stated how she should have checked the style name. Well duh! What did she think when I requested a particular style name? That any pewter colored flat would be fine?

I ordered them online today. I didn't get the extra 30% off, but I did get free shipping. If I had fought for the discount I would have had to pay shipping since they were under $35. I'll be glad when the whole glitter flat fiasco is over. But as a result of all this drama, I haven't thought about my interview on Friday morning for the new job and how nervous I am. Distraction accomplished? Did I really just create a week-long scenario to consume my mind in order to spare myself from dealing with the anxious feelings I'm having about something that really does matter? I think so.

One of the main reasons I'm most excited about getting a full time job is to keep myself busy and focused on things that matter. Now that I'm working again I find myself SIGNIFICANTLY less anxious because I am too busy and tired at the end of the day to worry about insignificant things. I'll be glad for the day when I don't have time to run around town in pursuit of $28 sparkly flats. This is called "getting a life."

I feel super lame after this entry, but it helped me feel better by venting. Besides if I let stupid entries keep me from posting, I'd be on another two week hiatus.

Chilean Miners and an Existential Crisis

So the Chilean miners story is a pretty fascinating one. We haven't had "rescue" stories when it comes to the mining accidents in the US over the past few years. The thought of 2 months underground is classified as a horror movie plot. My claustrophobia is in full effect just thinking about the suffocating lack of air, space, light, and freedom. I can't even imagine what it was like or what it took for them to survive such a terrifying ordeal. How is any human that patient allowing them to simply wait it out?

The night the first miner was pulled out I was watching CNN with the rest of the world glued to the TV. They brought on a psychologist to comment on the mental toll an accident like this can take on a victim and what they can expect in the coming months and years. Her insights were extremely profound and I found myself contemplating my own existence after her brief 3 minute segment. She explained that an event like this will cause an existential crisis. She pointed out that for the first 17 days or something they had absolutely no contact with the outside world. They were left down there to think or assume or conclude whatever they wanted to about their fate. If it had been me I would have assumed it was the end. But here they were being lifted out of that little metal shuttle retrieving them from the dark depths. Here's where she got poignant. She said their ascent to the surface and stepping out of that tube resembled birth. It was like they were entering the world for the first time all over again. Woah. She used another word too: reboot, like as in a computer. She said when you face death like they each did and then go on to live after facing your own demise that you can feel like you're starting over (in a good way). This is the thought of having a second chance at things. You've stared down the thought of losing everything and now that you've been given it all back, will you be any different?

I began asking myself these same questions. But first do I have to go through a traumatic experience to alter my life? Could I evaluate how I'm living and change my course just through some introspection? What would I change? Could I live better? What is stopping me from living like I'm just grateful to still be here?

My niece's brain tumor was life altering for everyone in our immediate family. It certainly changed our family dynamic for the better. We are more open, vulnerable, and emotionally available. But I've written before that life still goes on and the petty, everyday things creep back in. For a while I was grateful for things returning to normal. When you're sitting in the waiting room during surgery, normal feels like a lofty prayer. Survival and just scraping by are what you beg for. Normal, that's a luxury. So yes childhood cancer will rock you, but to what extent and for how long? Can I foster a spirit of gratitude like I had when we were in the thick of it?

It's not too late for me to live better. That sentiment is at the heart of this blog project. Can I shake off this fear and insecurity? Can I shed this perfectionism and just accept reality? Can I attack my dreams with confidence and let go of all the things out of my control? I think I can. I think I will. I had better before I end up at the bottom of a mine wishing I'd really lived while I had the chance.

Third Job...but Seriously

My journal entry today literally started with, "I feel like I'm right back where I started." Turns out it's harder to work as a princess than anticipated, which leads me to another job search as I try to move closer to a full 40 hour work week. Since I already have two jobs I didn't think this search would be as discouraging as the first, but it's no picnic. Where do I start? What should I try? How many hours is it offering? What does it pay? I think my discouragement comes from needing something that pays more than $8.50 but is still flexible enough and temporary enough to allow for me to really pursue wedding planning as that position grows in the next year.

The amount of work I'm currently doing and the pay is what older wealthy women do. You know just work for something fun to do, for the discount on clothes, for who knows why (if I was rich I wouldn't work 'for fun'). I need an income. I need to contribute to my family. Ugh this is hard. One job I think could be fun is to work in an elementary school library. Today I happened to find that position in my own school district nonetheless! I couldn't believe it. I clicked on the little button that said enthusiastically, "I want to apply for this position!" It sent me to a screen that said the application deadline had passed. I looked at the listing again and realized I had missed the cutoff by (ready for this?) 45 minutes. I called human resources and was told this was a 'hard deadline' meaning I cannot apply after the fact. Seriously? I have to trust that it wasn't meant to be, but seriously, c'mon! Wish me luck as I continue my search. I need it.